To say “attachments lead to suffering” isn’t wrong, but the math isn’t so simple when you spend your whole life dog-paddling around in the Sea of Samsara.

 

By David Jones

I have an attachment to clinging. It doesn’t bother me until it starts hurting, though.

TL:DR: people desire stuff and form an attachment to that desire. Then they cling to it, wind up suffering  and their only hope for escape is remembering everything is impermanent.

But let’s be cautious: it’s easy to reflexively condemn all desires or attachments as evil. Not everyone does, but it’s amazing how many folks end up developing an attachment to the teaching of Non-Attachment. Such clinging isn’t the most skillful use of our time.

Desires are normal for humans. No one would find a mate or a job without desires. It’s also normal to form attachments to things we feel are important to us, and we call them relationships. Love and hate both lead to developing attachments. I have an attachment to my wife, our cats, our kids and grandkids. I have a 100,00 dollar attachment to my house. Attachments can be healthy but, like carbs and money, they need to be managed.

I know a general Buddhist approach is blanket avoidance, but I don’t think it’s the best advice.

To say “attachments lead to suffering” isn’t wrong, but the math isn’t so simple when you spend your whole life dog-paddling around in the Sea of Samsara.

Forgetting impermanence isn’t the root of all unwise attachments. When we start clinging to whatever is important to us, it stops being about wanting to keep something nice in our life and becomes unhealthy or dangerous. Addictions grow here, jealousy blooms. When any attachment begins to control us, it has become unmanageable. At that point, folks who want to break the grip might find they can’t.

Managing attachments in healthy ways means understanding their price. Go ahead and keep your spouse, your child, your job, or your pet squirrels, but keep an eye on those relationships so they don’t become harmful. Eventually there’ll be some suffering involved in any relationship you have: there’ll be arguments, illness, disrepair—even loss. It’s the price you pay for having it, and sometimes it’s absolutely worth it to you. Just make sure it isn’t harming you or others.

If you find the cost of keeping the person, thing, or view becomes too steep, here are some things that can help you break out of it.

First, forgive yourself. I can’t stress that enough.

De-criminalize attachment in your mind. Merely having an attachment isn’t a Failure, a Sin, or a Crime that needs to be punished. If we start thinking it is, we drag guilt and shame into the mix. A nice loaf of Right Effort is spoiled when you add self-blame to the batter. Recognizing it’s all gone bad and then forgiving yourself for getting there is vital for breaking free. We cling to guilt and shame so easily when we disappoint ourselves.

Let’s not do that.

Second, really look into the matter. When did it all go sideways? Where, how, and why are you still tethered to the thing or person? The goal is to understand, not beat yourself up. It’s hard to get free from this yoke if you don’t understand it.

Third, keep an open mind and heart. Cutting an unwise connection to an unhealthy attachment will bring its own suffering, and it might seem impossible to get free. Yeah, not forming an attachment to harmful things and people in the first place is ideal, but getting free from them is about starting where you are, not punishing yourself for being there to begin with.

Fourth, allow yourself patience and grace. Paradoxically, trying to escape the gravity well of an attachment can make the grip tighter. Breaking free might take many tries over a long period. Find some help if you need it, because we all need help sometimes.

In the end, let each effort to break free from attachments strengthen your resolve to avoid unhelpful ones in the future. Let it remind you to hold everything with an open hand instead of crushing it in a desperate fist. Don’t be too quick to bash folks caught up in the attachment spiderweb themselves.

Having an attachment isn’t inherently bad. You don’t need to avoid every relationship like it’s gluten. Instead, be wise in how you apply the teachings in your life. Know what’s healthy to gently keep, and what needs to be cut loose and avoided.

Offer everyone compassion and understanding, especially yourself, because we’re all just imperfect folks struggling with the same things.

Be well.

 

Photo: Pixabay

Editor: Dana Gornall

 

Were you inspired by this? You may also like:

Attachment and “What If?”

God is Emptiness, Emptiness is God: Thoughts on God Attachment

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