By Toni Bernhard


Life is tough.

We’re all subject to suffering, stress, anguish, and dissatisfaction. This is the essence of the Buddha’s first noble truth. Given life’s uncertainty and unpredictability, how could it be otherwise?

When I first encountered this teaching, I didn’t feel disheartened; I felt relieved. Finally, someone was describing this life in a way that fit a good portion of my experience. What a relief to know it wasn’t just me or just my life! Do you know a single person, healthy or sick, who has not experienced suffering, stress, anguish, and dissatisfaction in his or her life?

The first noble truth connects me to others in a profound way.

The circumstances of our lives may result in slightly different experiences of this noble truth, but underneath the surface, we know what other’s suffering, stress, anguish, and dissatisfaction feel like because we experience them ourselves.

Take dissatisfaction. Aren’t you dissatisfied with some of the circumstances of your life? Your dissatisfaction may involve the “big questions” (Does my life have meaning? Can we survive global warming?). It may result from the stresses of everyday life (tension in a relationship, difficulty on the job). It may be due to mundane discomforts and irritations (the dog barking next door, the lost sock in the dryer).

Think about your life. Notice how there is an ongoing effort (subtle or intense) to adjust its circumstances to be more to your liking.

With an “if only” mentality, we tend to deny the presence of this dissatisfaction.

“If only I had an iPad, I’d never want another electronic device.” “If only the Giants would win the World Series, I won’t care if they win another baseball game.”

Sometimes I think, “If only I weren’t chronically ill, I’d be happy.”

Who are we kidding? If all our “if only’s” came to pass, we’d soon find they didn’t bring lasting satisfaction. An iPad is no fun without all those cool apps. Why can’t the Giants win it all two years in a row? As for me, I’d be glad not to be sick, but my life would still have its share of suffering and stress.

The Second Noble Truth. The good news from the Buddha is that we can work with our minds to alleviate this suffering and its sisters (stress, anguish, and dissatisfaction).

Notice I said “work with our minds.” The Buddha’s focus was on the mind (that’s why he’s often called a great psychologist). We were born into bodies and they get injured, sick, and old. The Buddha endured great bodily pain at times, but he did so without suffering in the mind.

In the second noble truth, the Buddha said that the origin of this suffering and its sisters is our self-focused desire or craving to get our way. He didn’t mince words when he told his monks: people suffer when they’re not getting what they want or when they’re getting what they don’t want.

But he also taught that we can alleviate this suffering by bringing it into conscious awareness by practicing mindfulness. Then we have a choice. We can hold onto our fruitless desire to control those circumstances that we cannot change (the inability to afford all those iPad apps, the lack of control over the Giant’s win-loss record, the desire for an immediate return to full health). The result: suffering, stress, anguish. Or, we can let go of that desire and accept our life as it is.

Don’t confuse acceptance with resignation.

I haven’t given up looking for treatments that might improve my health. But I have learned to open my heart and mind to how my life is right now, sickness included. When I do this, a calm acceptance arises and I feel at peace with my life.

It’s a taste of freedom (a taste of the freedom some call awakening or enlightenment).

I work on bringing into awareness the self-focused desire or craving that underlies each feeling of dissatisfaction in my life. Then I try to make the conscious choice to let go of what I cannot change.

I still sometimes hold onto the thought, “If only I weren’t sick, I’d be happy.” After all, I’m a work in progress, not an enlightened being.

But at least I know the drill.



Toni BernhardToni Bernhard is the author of the award-winning How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and Their Caregivers and How to Wake Up: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide to Navigating Joy and Sorrow. Her new book, How to Live Well with Chronic Pain and Illness: A Mindful Guide, will be published in the Fall of 2015. Before becoming ill, she was a law professor at the University of California—Davis. Her blog, “Turning Straw Into Gold” is hosted by Psychology Today online. Visit her website at


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Editor: Dana Gornall