Even though ideas didn’t always align, everyone was passionate about their country and its leadership, and parents were proud of their kids for taking a stand. If things got too heated, there was always some member of the family who said, “You’re both right! Now let’s talk about something else.” Then 24/7 news coverage, social media and monetized pundits came into our world and the culture has gone from kitchen table talk that ended with “agree to disagree” to “I don’t want my dad spewing his fear and anger around my children” and “I’m not going home for Christmas if he’s just going to spout Fox News at us.”
By Kellie Schorr
*Author’s Note: I am a registered independent and not affiliated with any party. I don’t care who gets your vote. I don’t care why you vote. I don’t care if you vote. This article is not about the election. It is about a social phenomenon happening in the US.
“America’s dad.”
“America’s coach.”
“America’s favorite uncle from up north.”
“Tim Walz is the dad who slips 20 dollars in your pocket because he’s worried you’re not eating enough.”
“If you can’t get your gas cap off, Tim Walz will help you, pump your gas and wash your windows.”
“When Tim Walz cuts up a pan of brownies he leaves the corner piece for you.”
Frankly, I had never even heard of Tim Walz until the day he was announced as the Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate.
Within an hour of the announcement there was an out-pouring of dad jokes, Midwestern warmth, and overwhelming happiness filling my social media feeds. When I asked someone, “Who is this guy?” I received an unexpected answer.
“He’s the dad we’ve needed since we lost our fathers to Fox.”
Lost Fathers
Political disagreement is not a new thing in American families. The iconic 80’s TV show Family Ties was created with a one sentence pitch:
A liberal hippie couple has a conservative teenage son.
Historically, strong political views were just one of the facets of the American family life. Even though ideas didn’t always align, everyone was passionate about their country and its leadership, and parents were proud of their kids for taking a stand. If things got too heated, there was always some member of the family who said, “You’re both right! Now let’s talk about something else.”
Then 24/7 news coverage, social media and monetized pundits came into our world and the culture has gone from kitchen table talk that ended with “agree to disagree” to “I don’t want my dad spewing his fear and anger around my children” and “I’m not going home for Christmas if he’s just going to spout Fox News at us.”
A 2020 Pew Research Center Poll reported 8% of respondents had ended a relationship over political differences after the 2016 election. A 2020 article based on a Hill-HarrisX (not that Harris) poll reported 10% of Americans said they had cut ties with a friend or family member over MAGA related issues, and a Sienna College/New York Times poll in Oct 2022 reported 19% of American voters said disagreements over politics had severely damaged a relationship.
For many families, holiday dinners and social gatherings now require a negotiation session around what can and cannot be talked about before they occur. A breakage of the agreement often ends with someone leaving earlier and angrier than they would like.
There’s a growing online support network for women who share stories about the transition that happened in their lives when their father who was fun, present and wise became a fearful, angry, ranting person caught up in ugly rhetoric and name-calling.
Although Fox News is not the cause, it is often credited as the conduit for extreme political opinions and fear-based programing. The title notwithstanding, Fox has claimed its commentary is not factual and just serves as entertainment.* For those who have seen their parents succumb to negativity and combative communication, it is far less entertaining.
One young woman on Tik-Tok summed it up this way. “I love my dad with all my heart, but the racist conspiracy theorist who now possesses his body is someone I can live without. I miss my real dad.”
Grieving Someone Who Is Still Alive
Grieving the loss of a parent through estrangement or emotional distance can be profoundly painful and is a complex part of the process of self-care. Understanding your emotions and sense of loss is an important part of awareness. A path forward may feature the following steps.
1. Give yourself permission to grieve. Acknowledge that a damaged or lost relationship is a legitimate situation to grieve. You aren’t being “overly dramatic” about the change in your life. This loss is real and affects you on a deep level.
** Note: People grieving over the physical death of a parent may be tempted to tell you that “political disagreement is nothing” or “make up with them while you still have them.” While their perspective comes from the heart, your situation and grief belong to you, and it is not “less than” anyone else’s.
2. Bring your feelings onto the path. Reflect on your relationship, what you’ve lost and how you feel about it. Process your feelings by journaling, prayer, meditation. Be willing to speak to a therapeutic professional to help you through this time and give you support.
3. Establish and review boundaries. If interactions are too painful or toxic, you may need to limit them or create boundaries that make them safer for your well-being. Be compassionate, but open, about the fact you are not comfortable with certain topics or negativity and need a break. If your boundaries are broken, then be willing to leave or set stronger ones. At some point, your parents may change their behavior pattern or be open to healing the relationship, and you can adjust those boundaries as able.
4. Cherish good memories. Remember that everything exists in its own time. There was a time when your relationship was vibrant, loving and fun. There was a time when your parents were more thoughtful, or hopeful, about things. Cherish those memories. Even if the influence from media and culture has changed your parents, it can never take away who they were and how much they love you before.
5. Allow for change and consider reconciliation. Allowing for change is not the same as expecting it. Don’t set an expectation that when the election is over or something happens your parents will return to their former selves, and it will go back to the way it was. However, do keep the door to your mind and heart open to the possibility that if change does happen you can find a new path forward together.
6. Focus on personal growth. Use this time and experience to gain knowledge about yourself, your values, and your relationships. Create new traditions and see where your ideas are fixed or can become more flexible as well.
7. Give yourself time. You don’t have to know all the answers today. Avoid absolutes like “Never,” “Forever,” and “Always,” and find ways to make the best choice for “right now.” You didn’t’ arrive at this loss overnight and you won’t be feeling this way forever. Politics change. Situations change. Lives change. Day by day, step by step is the best way to navigate this difficult landscape.
The past few years have been an unexpected journey in our relationship with our Fox-watching dads. Understanding where they are emotionally and grieving the loss of what you used to have with them is an important part of mindfully navigating the current political climate with love and strength.
This time will not last forever, but for now—be aware, be compassionate, and be gentle with yourself.
* United States District Court Southern District of New York, Karen McDougal v. Fox News Network, LLC (2020).
Photo: Pixabay
Editor: Dana Gornall
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