Compassion for Others While Keeping Boundaries

 

By Leo Babauta

It can be difficult to feel open-hearted to other people when they behave in frustrating ways, or have views that are pretty different from ours.

But even when that’s not the case, keeping your heart open and being compassionate when others are suffering can also be difficult, because there’s so much suffering in the world that it can be overwhelming.

First of all, there’s no requirement that we keep our hearts open or have compassion for others. It can be enough to love ourselves, and find contentment and wonder in the world around us. But, what an opportunity to open our hearts and feel love for other people around us!

Second, there’s nothing that says we have to have our hearts open all the time. We can practice opening the heart a little, and maybe that’s all we can do. Slowly, we develop a capacity to have our hearts open more of the time, and this practice of feeling love more often is an enriching experience.

The main thing is to check in: do I have the intention to be open-hearted towards the other people in my life? Would I like to have compassion for the suffering of others — whether they’re people I know, or people suffering around the world? Would my answer change if I didn’t have to take on all of their suffering?

Think about what your intention might be.

Emotional Boundaries to Protect Your Limits

Many people reject the intention to have compassion because it feels difficult, overwhelming, burdensome. So that possibility gets shut down. But what if you could do it without overwhelming yourself, without taking on all the suffering of others? What could that possibility look like, and would you be a Yes to that?

It could be a recognition that you have limits, and that you don’t want those limits to be overwhelmed by difficult emotions all the time. Could you keep your heart open as long as you feel the capacity to do so, and then take space to yourself to recharge and nourish?

Could you feel compassion without feeling loads of suffering?

Would this be something that would feel good to you?

Finding the Balanced Path

With a recognition of those limits, and with the intention to be open-hearted and compassionate, what could it look like to walk that balanced path?

If you open your heart to other people in your life, and they (perhaps unintentionally) give your heart pain, could you recognize that you’re hurt, and take some space to tend to that pain? Could you give yourself love and compassion, to feel the hurt, to forgive before you open your heart again? With practice, this could be a half hour to an hour of space, but if needed it could be half a day, two days, etc.

In this way, your heart doesn’t have to be exposed, open and vulnerable all the time. You can recognize when you have the capacity, and open it and recognize when you need to protect it and take care of yourself. It’s not all-or-nothing in either direction. There’s a navigating through these waters that can be learned with practice.

If you want to feel compassion towards others who are suffering, could you send love their way without needing to recreate all of the suffering in your heart? For example, when I think of people who are in war-torn countries, I can see the suffering and have a wholesome wish for that suffering to end without feeling agony in my heart. Try that now: can you think of someone going through a hard time and wish for that person to be happy without taking on all of their misery in your heart?

This kind of wholesome wish for others to be happy, for others to find peace, for others to suffer less. It can be a feeling of love, without needing to feel so much suffering. In my experience, I do feel a degree of heartbreak when I see others suffering, but that heartbreak doesn’t have to be a big deal, or completely drain my battery. It can be something that I experience many times, something that I can grow to appreciate and even love.

In the end, walking the balanced path means being willing to open your heart and be with a big of heartbreak, without giving all of yourself away, without completely losing yourself. And that means walking the path with some willingness to explore, to mess that up, and to learn as you walk the path.

Photo: Pixabay

 

Leo Babauta is a regular guy, a father of six kids, a husband, a writer from Guam (now living in San Francisco). He eats vegan food, writes, runs, and reads. He is the founder of Zen Habits which is about finding simplicity and mindfulness in the daily chaos of our lives. It’s about clearing the clutter so we can focus on what’s important, create something amazing, find happiness.

 

 

 

This article was originally published on Zen Habits and re-published with author’s permission.

 

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