woman meditating under the planet Saturn

Even when we meet the goal we are rarely energized, we just need one more thing to feel good. This is more self-esteem than self-compassion. Self-esteem needs to be fed all the time, and often is never satiated.

 

By Anne Heerdt

In Buddhism there is a list of the Paramis—which is translated as perfections.

I have read the suttas around the paramis and struggled with the word perfection. I don’t get the sense that perfection in Buddhism has the same impact as perfection in our modern world. That sent me down a path of discovery, which was very impactful to my practice. I will also say that it was impactful in other areas of my life. The beginning of this started in a writing course I took with my favorite teacher on creativity and writing, and being a generally sensitive person in this world.

I have struggled with trying to be more perfect.

I would love a clean house, plants that were not brown tipped, a work life where I made no mistakes and of course amazing meditation practice. I remember reading about runners who ran every day into their 80’s. I really wanted to be that runner, or that meditator who practiced every day without fail. I did get long stretches of time that I was able to do running and meditation practice, and then life happened.

Life was pretty messy at times.

It could be illness or injury, but often it was just trying to do all the things. I could run and meditate every day, but I also needed to make dinner and pay attention to my family. I still thought for the longest time that somehow I would join a magic club and feel really good about myself when I hit a goal. I did reach some of these goals, and I didn’t feel magically better. After meditating 30 days straight I was pretty calm, until I started to compare that or expected that I would be magically okay all the time.

This is the unskillful type of perfectionism.

One feature is that it is based on comparison. It may be comparison to others, but it can also be comparison to ourselves. Unfortunately I can remember how fast I could run in middle school, and my body is not doing that anymore. With that in my head I can get out of the joy of running and being active, and instead be disappointed that I am not making a goal.

I have done this with so many things in my life from cooking from scratch, to sewing projects, to meditating, even raising my kids. These are fine goals, but the unskillful way of perfectionism takes over. Some of the features of this type of perfectionism are a sense of shame, a comparison to an outside standard which may be unreasonable, and a sense of giving up when it isn’t perfect.

In meditation practice this can look like pushing your body into a position that doesn’t work, setting time goals that are not reasonable, and not listening to when your body needs some other type of practice. Even when we meet the goal we are rarely energized, we just need one more thing to feel good. This is more self-esteem than self-compassion.

Self-esteem needs to be fed all the time, and often is never satiated.

Buddhism pushes us towards excellence, however. I had a feeling of healthy striving in my best times. Sometimes this was during a stretch of consistent practice, or on a retreat. I know the benefits of a level of discipline and regularity in practice.

I have a teacher who explains this as an internal sense of urgency. With this sense of internal urgency there is a natural willingness to practice. This is a key difference with skillful perfectionism, a desire for growth and challenge. If you have not felt this with meditation practice then think of something you are good at, and have some skill doing. I will use sewing as an example.

I have been sewing clothes since middle school, some good and many that could be improved on. At my current skill level I can look back and see that I did not press the garment as I worked, or had a bad seam finish. If I was talking to a new sewist I would not point out these things, however I can see where I could improve. In my next project I am energized to try something new.

I may seek out some sewing videos on specific techniques in order to learn more. This is an internal process of building skills. You can use this with so many skills—skiing, fixing a car, making a spreadsheet, cooking dinner and any art or craft. There is also a joy in developing more skills, which is inherently rewarding.

What type of practice are we doing?

I will say that I have practiced more skillfully and definitely less skillfully. I am not done with this as a challenge, however I have some ways of figuring out where my extra stress may be coming from. When a sit is super challenging I can look at my expectations.

Did I expect magic, or was I hoping for growth? There are times when I just need to cut a meditation short because my body is saying a very loud no. Listening to that no can be very skillful, while sometimes pushing through to reach a goal is not the best. It is a way of looking at how I may be adding a second arrow to my struggle. The first arrow is just the work of the practice period. Maybe it is hard to find time, or your body is giving you grief.

The second arrow is heaping the shoulds on top, judging yourself for not doing more, or using a standard that is not realistic to compare to. It is possible to evaluate your practice without going down that negative spiral. It is very possible to see that we could have sat a little longer, practiced some generosity, watched what we said more carefully, or moderated our indulgence in rich foods.

The story that best describes what I feel perfection is in Buddhism is when the Buddha was talking to a skilled musician.

He asked the musician what would happen if the strings on his instrument were too loose. The musician said that the sound would not be sweet or at the right tone. Then the Buddha asked what would happen if the strings were too tight. The musician answered that they may break, and the sound would not be sweet. That is our perfection, not too tight and not too loose.

The super rigid style that creates shame and comparison is not healthy. The Buddha even tried this with the austerities that were common in his time. Too loose means we are not getting the benefits of consistent practice and focus on supports like the 5 precepts.

The other part of this perfection is that we not competing with others. We may be practicing often alone, however we are connected in our practice. If someone else had a great meditation then we all benefit, if we have a great practice they benefit.

Here is a sutta that I turn to on a regular basis:

The establishing of mindfulness is to be practiced with the thought, ‘I’ll watch after myself.’ The establishing of mindfulness is to be practiced with the thought, ‘I’ll watch after others.’ When watching after oneself, one watches after others. When watching after others, one watches after oneself.  (SN 47.19)

We do not need to win at this, we are in it together. When I have a challenging practice that day, I hope someone else had a great meditation. When it goes easy then I express gratitude and look to share this energy.

 

Photo: Pixabay

Editor: Dana Gornall

 

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