Here is a short part of the sutta that made me exclaim: “If this person is asked a question and he overwhelms [the questioner], crushes him, ridicules him, and seizes upon a slight error, in such a case this person is unfit to talk.” (AN3:67) That made my day—much more than my day actually. That meant I could be a practicing Buddhist without being a doormat, which is much more in my nature.

By Anne Heerdt

I have been in the Buddhist world a long time, sometimes on the edges and other times in full study and practice mode.

As with many western Buddhists I had to leave where I came from in order to find my place. That can have both positives and challenges in the process of leaving your roots, spiritually and culturally. One aspect that is both positive and a challenge is the aspect of thinking for yourself.

It may be that some people leave their background due to a very negative experience, but liberal Lutherans are hard to rebel against. I just didn’t feel the connection like I did when I started to learn about Buddhism and practice meditation, although I still appreciate the Danish pastries that are part of the culture.

The positives of making the choice for Buddhism was that I was not trying to get some type of approval, or make myself look cool. The challenge is that since I started off without a group or teacher, I became very independent. That is great until you actually need a teacher to guide your practice and you have the habit of not trusting anyone—like anyone.

The way I got onto this path was by thinking for myself, and every group or tradition has some people who are not the best to listen to.  So it was a process for me to trust I could find a teacher, trust that teacher and also know that I could interact in a way that supported my growth.

In my journey to follow Buddhist thought, I noticed that the Buddha’s teachings kept going back to,”check it for yourself.”

That was great, and a little daunting at times. I could check it for myself, and then sometimes found out later I was caught in something like aversion, or ill will, or doubt. This meant that wise guides were even more important.

I started reading more and came upon a collection of suttas, The Buddha’s Teaching on Social and Communal Harmony edited by Bhikku Bodhi. I was ecstatic. Here was some real guidance on how to interact with other people. I was challenged by many of the suttas, and then I was really surprised by a set of suttas discussing who was fit to talk. I found a list of qualities of how people talked that was clear, and gave me a foundation of who to listen to.

I will tell you that these suttas are not going to tell us to ignore people who are doing their best, but they will help us discern when something is feeling off.

One of the first suttas I read had me exclaim “the no nit picking” rule!

When my kids were young I made up a rule about nit picking language. Sometimes you mix up a word, or goof a name, and if you read a lot it is easy to not know how to pronounce certain words.

The “no nit picking rule” says that you should not use a mistake like that to derail the conversation into focusing on a mistake, thereby avoiding whatever the topic was.

Here is a short part of the sutta that made me exclaim: “If this person is asked a question and he overwhelms [the questioner], crushes him, ridicules him, and seizes upon a slight error, in such a case this person is unfit to talk.” (AN3:67) That made my day—much more than my day actually. That meant I could be a practicing Buddhist without being a doormat, which is much more in my nature.

There are more qualities included in this sutta, such as being swollen with pride, speaking just to look for an argument, answering evasively, displaying anger and bitterness, and diverting the conversation. I imagine we all have memories of conversations that include these qualities, and the frustration that follows.

Now here is the tough advice from another sutta in the collection. What do we do with this person, since we have determined that they are not a person to be listened to?

The sutta says, “What kind of person is to be looked upon with equanimity, not to be associated with, followed and served?” The sutta describes someone prone to anger, sensitive to small criticisms and displays bitterness. So we should not associate with them and not serve them, but still we have the space to practice equanimity.

This aligns with the story of a gift.

There was a person who approached the Buddha with great anger. Afterward, the monks asked him about the interaction. The Buddha explained with the example of a gift. If someone offers you a gift, however you decline it, then who does the gift belong to? It still belongs to the person who offered it.

That is the same with abuse or anger. If we do not accept it, or accept the ways that another expresses that they are unfit to talk, then it still belongs to them.

 

Photo: Pixabay

Editor: Dana Gornall

 

Did you like this post? You may also like:

Introvert Buddhism: Kama Sutta

Finding the Middle Way in Conflict.

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