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If I just can’t help at that moment, for whatever reason, it does no good to beat myself up over it. I’m great at guilting myself into a funk. I need to show myself understanding and compassion too.

 

By David Jones

I want to help others and I’m scared that I can’t.

I used to hurry over to assist folks in need, but after having two stroke episodes my self-confidence went bye-bye. The guy who was an emergency first-responder at his workplace is now (more often than not) frozen in place when encountering those in need. I feel ashamed about that.

At an estate sale someone asked me to help them carry some heavy piece of furniture out to their car. I said yes and began helping. By the time we reached the house’s front door I had to sit down on the porch and nearly passed out.

Another day, I saw a young man in a motorized chair trying to enter the house of his friends that only had stairs. Most everyone simply stood and watched as some young women tried to get in the house. My wife went and helped. I hated myself for not going with her.

So now I’m working on building up the self-confidence and self-esteem that enabled me to be true to my instincts in the past. I want to help. I live for it. It was my career. I taught it to my kids. Since it’s a vital part of who I am, I owe it to myself to get back out there.

So here are some things I’m keeping in mind as I try to be that helper again.

1. My limitations are often based on insecurity, not actual ability. I need to be more aware of myself.

2. I may not be able to help everyone all the time, but I can help some of them sometimes, and that might be more than they could get otherwise.

3. Boundaries are important. I must remember to ask if I can help, not if the person needs my help. That’s a subtle distinction but can have massive implications. I never want to suggest that they’re somehow inferior.

4. Be open, not naive. If my intuition tells me that “helping” might actually worsen things, violate laws, or endanger myself or others, I’m free to say, “I’d love to help” and then apologize for being unable to, or even just say, “No” and walk away when warranted.

5. I must manage myself. I’ve suffered from White Knight Syndrome in the past. I need to remember balance when aiding others.

6. If they say they’re fine and have the situation in hand, I need to remember not to argue or insist. It’s wise to respect their agency and autonomy.

7. Intention is very important. Intending to help is the seed of compassion.

8. It’s not always people who need assistance.

9. If I just can’t help at that moment, for whatever reason, it does no good to beat myself up over it. I’m great at guilting myself into a funk. I need to show myself understanding and compassion too.

In the end, it makes me feel good to help when and where and how I can. Sometimes folks don’t say “Thank you,” but that’s okay. I don’t want to help just for the gratitude of others. Sometimes it seems really obvious to me that they could use some assistance, but it’s not my place to decide that—it’s only my place to offer and then respect their decision.

 

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Photo: Pixabay

Editor: Dana Gornall

 

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Are We Compassionate Helpers & Self-Centered Troublemakers?

Defining Compassion: Saving the World by Saving Myself.

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