We dutifully handed her a brochure (called Jehovah’s Witnesses and Education) about what Witnesses believed as parents and covered how they wanted the school staff to treat our children. I knew parents who just handed over the brochure and considered their obligation fulfilled; many parents weren’t really able to explain the matters themselves, and the society had been cracking down on congregation members explaining things by saying, “My religion doesn’t let me….”

 

By David Jones

I’m working through some guilt from when my first child was in school and we were Jehovah’s Witnesses.

For most of his early years he was kept by Witness friends or a nearby daycare while his mom and I went to work. In all it wasn’t too bad, and he had the opportunity for a lot of good socialization. But then came Kindergarten, and all three of us faced a curious decision that folks may not understand and certainly won’t like hearing, but please bear with me.

Witnesses don’t celebrate holidays, but did you know they also don’t celebrate birthdays?

They have their reasoning (basically that the Bible mentions birthdays twice and both times awful things happened. Yeah.), and we as parents had a decision to make that I understood and was prepared to uphold even though I didn’t like it. My wife agreed. So preparing for his first day of Kindergarten we had the traditional meet-and-greet with the staff who would watch and work with our son every day.

So we dutifully handed her a brochure (called Jehovah’s Witnesses and Education) about what Witnesses believed as parents and covered how they wanted the school staff to treat our children. I knew parents who just handed over the brochure and considered their obligation fulfilled; many parents weren’t really able to explain the matters themselves, and the society had been cracking down on congregation members explaining things by saying, “My religion doesn’t let me….”

The teacher and her staff for pre- and post-classroom care all agreed to do what I asked. For that year a class helper would take Michael out into the hallway or another room while the other kids sang and enjoyed cupcakes in celebration of some kid’s birthday, then he came back in when they were done.

We heard from the teacher that he didn’t understand why he was being taken out by himself, and he apparently thought he had done something wrong.

I agreed to talk to him more about it, but to be honest, I’m not sure we had talked to him at all about it. I’ve blocked so much about that year.

Michael was an awesome kid and he was always helping other kids with stuff (his brother Kyle was the same way), just a generally happy little boy. But this birthday and holiday thing was a heavy weight on us that year.

Some parents in the congregation struggled with it too, while others assured me that it was never hard for them or their kids. When the next school year rolled around, we picked up our copy of the brochure and got ready for the teacher meet-and-greet, not looking forward to it at all.

I don’t remember if my wife and I talked about it—I think we must have but I seriously don’t know anymore—and I told her my decision: we were done with this whole Witness restriction business. So we told the teacher we no longer cared to keep him separate from holiday and birthday celebrations, so if they had a thing he could participate.

The teacher and my wife basically said: “Okay. Cool.” and that was it.

What changed? I think I was deconstructing a lot of my religious views after being a Witness for six or eight years or whatever it was. I felt such guilt about standing on a principle I didn’t agree with, and such relief when I decided to stop.

The next night a few parents talked to me about how the teacher chat went, and I had some hard truths to lay on them.

I said Michael hadn’t chosen this religion, I had. He didn’t understand the religious significance of what I told him about holidays or birthdays or anything else. I added that I didn’t believe for a second that his everlasting life would be impacted by a cupcake, and I felt God agreed.

I wasn’t disciplined by the congregation for it, and Michael has since told me it’s all okay, no harm done. By the time he’d eaten his first teacher-provided cupcake the restriction of the previous year wasn’t even a memory. But it has hung like an albatross around my neck and I still struggle with it twenty-some years later. That’s why I’m writing this.

I did what I thought I was supposed to, something parents understand I think, even if they disagree with the situation and how I handled it. I was a servant of the congregation, and we had even higher expectations to meet than other parents. I finally took a stand for what my God-led heart told me rather than what people told me, and would continue for the rest of my time there.

But what to do with this heavy guilt?

When I think of it, I still feel his confusion, his sadness, his worry that he’d done something wrong and it hurts me deeply. I still wrestle with something I felt was necessary at the time but came to reconsider, realizing I was basically trying to meet expectations instead of following where my heart was being led. So here goes:

I made a decision for my child, because that’s what parents have to do. I’ve made many that he didn’t like or enjoy, because taking yucky medicine or doing homework is just stuff you have to buckle down and get done. But I regretted this decision, and even though it didn’t last I haven’t found forgiveness for it because my mind won’t let me have it.

May I find the courage to forgive myself as my son has forgiven me. May I be well, and may you all be well.

 

Photo: Pixabay

Editor: Dana Gornall

 

Did you love this piece? Tip the author! Help support writers: paypal/donate

 

Did you feel inspired by this piece? You may also like:

 

Broken Analogies: Parenting is Terrifying

Buddhist Prayer & Abrahamic Prayer: How They are Both the Same and Different

Comments

comments

Latest posts by David Jones (see all)