Here’s the thing: we’re generally going to teach what we’re taught. If we were yelled at, we’ll probably yell. If we were swatted, we might be swatters. But on the more extreme end of discipline things can go many ways—children could grow up to recreate the terror or shy away from strong discipline altogether. It just ain’t easy.

 

By David Jones

How were you disciplined growing up?

Spanking with a hand, a stick, or a paddle? Did you memorize the smell of the room corner your nose was stuck in during time out? Was it all yelling and fury? Were you grounded, maybe sent to your room, or to bed without dinner?

Did the Geneva Convention come into play?

Here’s the thing: we’re generally going to teach what we’re taught. If we were yelled at, we’ll probably yell. If we were swatted, we might be swatters. But on the more extreme end of discipline things can go many ways—children could grow up to recreate the terror or shy away from strong discipline altogether. It just ain’t easy.

With so many theories and practices and opinions out there, what’s a mindful parent to do? Here are some things I’ve learned and kept in mind.

Remember that you aren’t chained to fate. You are not obligated to parent the same way you were. You’re free to decide all the aspects of parentage and adjust them as needed, including how you discipline.

Try to include the other parent. If you have contact with your child’s other parent  it’s good to consult each other so everyone’s on the same page with respect to parenting issues including discipline. My ex-wife and I didn’t want chat with each other, but it was good for us both to be aware of things and to support each other’s efforts.

Communicate and encourage them to express themselves. Kids don’t always understand what happened prior to getting corrected. It’s not always safe to assume they know exactly what they did, why it’s a big deal, or how to connect the discipline with the act. And with that in mind…

Discipline is more than just punishment. The word “discipline” comes from the same root word as “disciple”—which basically means “one who is taught.” While punishment may be part of the process, we’re trying to teach or instruct our children in what is acceptable or unacceptable behavior. Sometimes knowing the Why of the matter is a better motivator than the threat of a spanking.

Effective discipline styles can vary between children. All five of our kids are so different, and the disciplines they respond to are just as different. Mindful parents get to know their children as individuals, so they’re the best judges of possible discipline styles.

Try to keep a perspective. Mindfulness helps us remove ourselves somewhat from the passion of the moment. We’re encouraged to respond rather than react, choosing an appropriate punishment intentionally rather than reflexively grabbing the belt.

Keep it proportional. General Shenanigans, meet Corporal Punishment. After a long bad day a minor issue might seem way worse than it really is. Take a minute and a breathe.

Keep it firm and consistent. I’ve known many counters, and I’ve yet to see it work out over time. “Stop doing that now!” turns into “Stop doing that now! One! TWO!!” then as time passes it almost always mutates into “Stop doing that now! One! TWO!! TWO AND A HALF…!!!” Once a buffer zone develops between response and consequence, it usually just grows. Maybe don’t count on counting.

Compassion, compassion, compassion. When a child feels bad about an unwise decision, it’s not great to pile on while they sit there crying. They’re human and sometimes they’ll screw up. It’s good to remind children of your love for them in connection with discipline. I abandoned one discipline styles because it just added five tons of misery to their guilt.

Others will tell you’re doing it wrong, and that’s understandable. Grandma says you’re being too harsh. Grandpa says the switch you hauled out was hardly worth calling a switch. Your best friend says you should use a dialectical model of parenting. Your other child suggests putting cottage cheese in an ice cream cone for snack time. Everyone’s got an opinion, is what I’m saying.

I don’t think I was cut out to be a parent, let alone a good one. I had to learn a lot of things the hard way, praying I wasn’t screwing up the kids too badly. But I got better at it gradually, all thanks to what I was learning about mindful behavior in life.

I hope this helps someone too.
Photo: Pixabay

 

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12 Points on Establishing Boundaries as a Mindful Parent (and why it’s necessary)

Parent Guilt: I Lost My Sh*t, Now What? {Mindful Parenting}

 

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