By Debbie Lynn
Because nothing lasts forever…
The other day, I was instructed to do an “update” (phone and computer). I usually ignore these because they typically screw up everything, but I had to in order to upload and sync some stuff. However, in this process I lost, somewhere in the deep abyss of my computer, some precious photos. I spent hours trying everything (that my limited knowledge has) to find and recover them to no avail.
The frustration welled. It rose at a rapid rate and spilled into some emotions that were obviously connected to something deeper—so, I had myself a little meltdown.
My husband bless his CASP (computer-aided savvy persona) tried to save the day and locate the files going through a series of expert moves. It was like watching a concert pianist—sweeping gestures, masterful hands, and I was hopeful but then after the back and forth, the ups and downs, the myriad clicking of the mouse, the expletives flew.
At that point, I knew it was over.
He then said, with no emotion, “Sorry, I can’t figure out what you did.” He placed the laptop on the table, got up and walked away. I just sat there feeling defeated. There, in that second of ruin, the weight opened up the little wound of abandonment and blame from a time come-and-gone. The stupid machine triggered the heartfelt pain of inner insanity. Saddened by my loss, mad at my not-knowing, I just sat.
I sat and tried to recall exactly what I had lost? Recount.
1). Did I lose pictures? – Yes, I did.
2). Did I lose time trying to solve the mystery? – Yes, I did.
3). Did I lose peace? Yes… I, no wait. NO! The answer is NO!
The first two are factual. The third, a lie in my head I created out of this so-called loss…
“Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realize
that nothing really belongs to them.”
― Paulo Coelho
No one, no “thing” can take my peace. This realization was nothing short of a big fat relief. I had made up this lie in my mind to pacify my ego and my feelings. Ah vindication, it is a tricky little bastard. Now I had to sit with this a bit longer. On an intellectual level, I truly understand my loss is simply an illusion, but I had to go deeper into the triggers. What was it that made me feel so angry? The answer is…impermanence. People, places, things come and go. This is life.
“Man suffers because of his craving to possess and keep forever things which are
– Alan Watts
I argued with myself (as I often do). I said, “Those photos represented a moment captured in time that will never ever be recreated.” Wrong, wrong, wrong. I didn’t win this argument and here is the ah ha—the irony of it all—I didn’t need the photos. I was actually there; I experienced it! And although age is trying its best to tell me differently, and my kids will challenge this, I can remember, so locking them in a picture will never replace the actual time and place.
As I released this revelation, I felt the emotions attached to it drift…and it brought a smile.
A moment in time
I don’t know how to recapture it…
the sounds, the feelings, the immensity of it all
It sits inside my mind, talks dirty to me with that voice, that insistent voice of questioning.
It comes in like a howling wind, raging like uncontrolled floodwaters.
It is the emotional state of mind that simply has no business to judge
How can it judge when there are larger and more important things to be concerned with? And yet, like a whisper of the dancing branch (in gale force energy)—there is always a way to stop the movement in my mind by being present to it all.
I take a breath, a snapshot of a distant memory—put it to sound, touch it, hold it and caress that whimsical self-absorbed moment.
But as quickly as it showed its face, it is gone.
And once again the question arises… how can I recapture it, savor it, revel in it?
The answer is: I can’t.
“Everything is changeable, everything appears and disappears; there is no blissful peace
until one passes beyond the agony of life and death.”
It now seems so silly that I placed such high value on a few photos. That I allowed this so-called “loss” to steal my time, upset me and interrupt a perfectly good day. Lessons revived, lessons well learned. Life is full of transient moments with millions of pulsing atomic particles in every living, breathing thing… so, I drink it in, it is my muse.
Because nothing lasts forever.
Editor: Dana Gornall
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