The Gift of Darkness {Journaling}

The beautiful thing about owning our darkness is that it expands our awareness. It is this new awareness of what we do not want, that births the awareness of what we do want. So, what do now know you want? Identify it.

By Ellie Pappas

Many of us can relate to that feeling of dark depression—the type where you look around and just can’t find one thing to feel grateful about.

It’s like all the self help tools you’ve collected over the years just kind of sit there, as you stare at them blankly. Scoffing at them. You want to take action, but it’s just not the time. Yes, after going through phases of depression over the years, you know it’s (hopefully) just a phase that will pass. How do we get out from under the rubble?

I was in that rubble just a few short months ago, internally kicking and screaming like a toddler. Blaming my external world. You know what I’m talking about. And I sat there.

I let myself be there. I complained in my journal. I asked friends to hold space for me as I complained.

What it came down to was feelings lack within myself. Mostly, I felt unworthy. I was letting that blame game happen in my head and feeling pretty self-righteous about it.  

So, what was I complaining about? Feeling unheard. Feeling unloved.

So I asked myself: What does a worthy person feel like? What does a person who feels heard and loved feel like? For me, a worthy person (or in this case, a woman) feels like a Queen. I started to think about the essence of a Queen. To me, a Queen is someone who beams love. She has so much of it, that she thoughtlessly shares it with others.

So here’s the process that worked for me and can hopefully inspire you too.

Identify your challenge

By allowing ourselves to sit in our uncomfortable feelings and even owning them, we can firmly identify them. So, what’s troubling you? Be honest with someone (be it yourself or other) or something (like a journal). We hold a lot of shame around our negative emotions and we don’t have to. Just admit them somewhere that feels the safe.

Awareness

The beautiful thing about owning our darkness is that it expands our awareness. It is this new awareness of what we do not want, that births the awareness of what we do want. So, what do now know you want? Identify it. Choose words that capture the essence (not necessarily things). Essence words hold an emotional charge that feel more powerful. For me, the word Queen has an emotional meaning.

Feel the essence now

What does it feel like? I asked myself these questions:

Who is this Queen? What does she know? What does she feel? How does she behave? How does she treat others? How does she treat herself? What kind of thoughts does she have? What kinds of emotions does she feel?

What do we do if this all feels out of reach?

The tricky thing about identifying what we want is the awareness that we may not fully have or embody it yet. In that case, ask yourself: In what ways am I already these things? Focusing here starts to spark some light. From the inside.

At least, that’s what happened for me. My vibration started to lift in subtle ways and it didn’t come from anyone or anything outside of me. I started to feel rich and full. The darkness I went through and the new point of awareness gained were mine. I felt ownership over it all. This is the kind of thing no one can take from us.

If there’s anything outside of you that you think you cannot have, you can shift (when you are ready that is). Sit in the darkness for however long you need. There is no shame in that.

In becoming aware of the ways we don’t want to feel, we can fill ourselves up in more specific ways. We can choose our direction by identifying the essence of what we want to feel. Then, we can look for ways that it is already showing up in our lives.  

But we can’t have all that without our darkness. So praise your darkness. In it, lies your incredible wealth.

Ellie Pappas is a Certified Life Coach with a Licensed Master’s in Social Work. Her mission is to empower others by helping them repattern limiting beliefs and reveal their best selves. She believes all people possess the power to heal themselves and guides individuals on an inward journey to uncover their hidden potentials and purpose. You can check out her Youtube Channel here. She is a Reiki Practitioner providing treatments for Yarah Formation, a sound meditation community based in NYC specializing in Harmonic Therapy. She is also a member of Firefly Society, an international community of Reiki practitioners based in NYC providing healing services to individuals, groups, corporations, as well as large events and festivals. http://fireflysociety.guru/

Photo: (source)

Editor: Dana Gornall

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