I usually thrive on the chaos; my thing is usually to find the stillness in the midst of chaos, but lately, it’s been ugly. I itch all over, I’m not sleeping through the night, there is a solid shot that there is something going on physically and I am going to the doctor about that soon.

 

By Michelleanne Bradley

There is something about watching women step forward to confront their abusers, the ones who have haunted them in the dark, some for years.

Abuse and harassment is not a new phenomenon. I am not going to recite the history and statistics on all of the ways that we have been doing this to each other throughout the millennia, we all know the stories and do not need to rehash the nuances. (Should you decide that you do want to be more involved, please find a way for listening practice with someone in your life who could use support, you can both benefit from the practice).

This bravery, this stepping up, it all makes me very unsettled and more anxious than I have been since I started this practice.

But I have had some angst lately. Rumor has it that I am not alone.

I usually thrive on the chaos; my thing is usually to find the stillness in the midst of chaos, but lately, it’s been ugly. I itch all over, I’m not sleeping through the night, there is a solid shot that there is something going on physically and I am going to the doctor about that soon.

I had been super depressed for a long time, because that is a place that I know really well. I’ve had this dance with the dark and foggy for as long as I can remember. I sometimes take my anti-depressants. I used to drink. I’ve been sober for almost six years.

I would like to think that this means that I am now at a point again where I am pushing my boundaries, expanding my edges, while I am in the middle of this chaos. What it actually feels like is a haunting and a pain that I won’t make it out alive this time. I know that I will make my way, because that is a lesson from my teachers: be here now, come back to the breath, and continue to come back to the breath, and the more I am able to find that place in the breath, I deepen in my own healing.

My wish is to be able to help others find stillness in the midst of all chaos, but lately, all I can do is to create my own stillness in the midst of my own chaos. Right now, this needs to be enough, this reminder that I am enough.

 

Photo: (source)

Editor: Dana Gornall

 

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Michelleanne Bradley

Michelleanne Bradley

Columnist at The Tattooed Buddha
Michelleanne Bradley is a practicing Pagan and Buddhist in the San Diego area. She was ordained into the Order of Interbeing by Thich Nhat Hanh in 2013. She completed two years of facilitator training with Against the Stream Buddhist Meditation Society, and has completed A Year to Live practice. She founded the Luminous Garden Sangha, and is a facilitator with Los Palomitas de Paz Sangha. Michelleanne's focus in practice has been on the role of women in Buddhism (and really, everywhere). Michelleanne is a feminist, and writer, and consultant who says fuck a lot.
Michelleanne Bradley

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