By Nick Berry
I am a 36 year old male that has been overly, sickly, manically, consumed by sexual thoughts, fantasies, and actions since I was five years old.
At an early age, I began to immortalize and idolize my father who was, as he puts it, an alcoholic and drug addict. My mother verified this fact and also classified him as a womanizer. I saw him leave our lovely home and move in with a much younger, cuter, and bustier woman than my mother. At the age of five I found absolutely nothing wrong with any of this behavior. I, in fact, wanted to be just like him when I grew up.
Lesson: Be careful what you wish for!
My father married the young beauty and on weekends that I visited it was her job to care for me. At five years old I could do almost everything for myself besides major cooking projects but this woman, who could not have children, swaddled me in fleece blankets and bathed every inch of my body. I began to love her and the attention that she put upon me.
The journey began to get interesting once my father allowed me to sleep in his bed, with his wife, while he slept on my single bed within my bedroom.
I saw absolutely nothing wrong with this situation and it fueled my desire not to visit my father but to visit my new step mom.
My step mother was very intelligent in the way she sexually abused me. Wow, I just wrote that. Why I exclaim my surprise is that for years and many times still today I will not let myself admit that I was sexually abused. I grew up thinking that sleeping with women was what men did and by goodness I was going to be the biggest, baddest, man that ever walked the Earth.
As it turns out, I just became a man whore but nonetheless I am aware of my whorish ways. She began letting me adventure and explore her body. There were never any words spoken or instructions given on what to do or how to do it that my consciousness will allow me to remember. I think this is how she justified her actions and I deny my abuse.
She allowed me to frolic with her breasts and venture south. As sick as it may seem, I can still remember the way she smelled and tasted. We bathed together till the age of eight and the only reason that was stopped was that my father saw me with an erection after getting out of the tub.
Sleeping together stopped at the age of seven when I bragged to my father about my exploits that I had with his wife.
His solution was very simple. I needed to sleep in my own bed.
What does one do with this information after 30 years has passed? I’m aware that if this behavior was ever done to my two boys I would send the woman to prison or take actions into my own hands. By this mental observation, I know that my step mom’s behaviors were wrong but what do they mean to me today?
As a man I have shrugged it off and went about my ways through every failed relationship, but that gets old and I feel it’s time to grow up and be with one person.
I not only want to be with just one person but I want to be satisfied and fulfilled by one person which so far has not been the case.
I can see that those actions done to me and the actions that were allowed of me to do unto her have skewed my sexual outlook.
That is as far as this awareness has taken me. I know it was wrong on her part and it messed with my sexual behaviors.
At this point, I can walk away from this writing and be okay that for this moment I accepted the abuse done to me. I can look at my current sexual behavior with acceptance and also build a moral objective for my future sexual encounters.
Boys do get sexually molested by women and it happened to me but by no means do I let it define my total existence. I am, and never have seen myself, as a victim.
I’m a survivor that is in continual growth.
Nick Berry is an amateur writer of poetry and short stories. He is a special needs teacher in a rural, Southern Indiana community. When he is not writing or educating he is spending quality time with his three children Sienna, Everett, and Elijah. They enjoy outdoor adventures and quality snuggling time watching T.V.
Editor: Ty H Phillips
- 5 Ways to Create Mental Space in Your Life When it Feels Like Life is Closing In - September 30, 2020
- Making the Everyday Sacred with Daily Rituals - September 21, 2020
- How I Found Zen…Here, There, and Back Again: A Tale Of Unnecessary Journeys & Discovery - September 16, 2020