By Debbie Lynn
Do you remember loving, or being loved, in desperation, how weighted and uncomfortable it felt?
Do you remember asking through the chains, is it real?
No matter how much it hurts, we have to release corrupted and unhealthy love all for the sake of mind/body/soul.
When we reach a certain space in our attainment there is a deeper understanding of what it truly means to be in love thoroughly, respectfully and unattached. There is no relying on someone to fulfill us or make us whole—we understand are already complete. We are alive and vivid in the company of another, or perfectly happy alone as our love takes on this beautiful freedom. Yet that freedom is very often misunderstood.
Damned if we do, damned if we don’t.
For some reason, need and attachment have become synonymous with love and relationships, but this kind of expectation creates an onus of “obligation” which in turn places a huge wedge of unnecessary conditions in our path.
I remember when my ex said, “I couldn’t live without you.” The words stopped me cold. No one had ever laid something that heavy on me before he did. That was such a lofty burden to bear it actually scared me, and turned me off.
Some would say that is beautiful, perhaps it is on some level, but I didn’t want to be “needed” like that. It didn’t feel good, it didn’t make sense, and unfortunately he was brutally insulted that I didn’t feel the same way and my life could go on with or without him. I broke him, bad.
I tried to explain love didn’t equate to that kind of desperation.
Love is shared by complementing each other’s soft spots, not filling up holes. Love isn’t a personal head-trip that comes with any ownership; it is sacred and undefined. This is where the true colors of the partnering soul will shine through.
Love won’t lay guilt on you, or make you feel remorse for your truth.
The reality is: the minute the cord is cut from our mother, we are no longer attached to anyone or anything. We are conditioned, however, to believe differently and unfortunately we end up attaching ourselves to people for all the wrong reasons—security, loneliness, certainty etc., but not one of those things equate to love.
There is such a huge misconception about being partnered up, that we quickly destroy the integral beauty of sharing our world by:
- Suffocation: Not understanding and allowing love to grow and change.
- Placing unreal expectations upon each other.
- Losing ourselves, our independence, and our mind—lost in the fairly tale.
- Loneliness: We are afraid to grow old alone.
Those are just a few snapshots of ruin and unconscious sabotage that are patterned after a time come and gone. It was when men ruled and women were subservient; when people didn’t or couldn’t part ways without dire consequences.
But times changed… why haven’t the views?
We are too limited in our capabilities to really be true. Or, is it that looming fear we all have of hurting someone else’s gentle ego by non-attachment? Many still believe that we have to be immersed in our partners’ every need, sacrificing our own desires to keep the peace. That is “old school enabling” and it does more harm than good. Isn’t it time to learn to care about people a little differently?
When we care so much, we don’t care anymore.
This is when we must raise the white flag, surrender the old paradigm and release the relationship. Enter the accusations of not caring.
When we are accused of not caring—and we will be accused—because someone doesn’t “get” that we are not attached to, or we don’t need them but we still love them totally, step back… it is time to move on.
We all know on a higher level that all relationships have serve a purpose; however, it isn’t our place to tuck them in and secure their insecurities and needs anymore. We don’t have to give up our self (our freedom, our character, our essence) in order to love anything or anyone. Period.
This sounds harsh, yet it really is the rawness, the realness, the love of self and them to forgo something a bit toxic and sew up the tattered fragments of the fabric of our life for betterment. This frees up any imposed duties that someone else added as an addendum for their agenda, that really was not a part of the original contract—e.g. we don’t belong to anyone.
The blame game.
Most don’t see that love isn’t confined to just the “good stuff”. It allows for all stuff to be seen, to be honored and to just be. Yet, when one is ready to move on, and the other is not, the blame flies all over the place. Here comes the need to be right and the need to be attached to the past and the need to be vindicated.
Unhealthy sadness is launched in hopes that things can be saved.
Love has no interest in salvation. Things will never be what they were—ever. The sooner this is understood, the sooner we can adjust to how amazingly exquisite it is to honor the lost love, the depleting attachment, and find resolve in the freedom it brings.
Love doesn’t hurt us or break us; people do, and it is only what we decide to allow or how much can we take from others via expected needs, wants, and attachments.
The higher road walked is when we can actually thank the one(s) who have been with us (good, bad or indifferent, and hopefully they will thank us, too) for giving us a wider view of independence, deeper love and unattached commitment and respect. It is about being inspired by what we have experienced to get us to a place of sweet resolved detachment. This prepares us for the next beautiful soul or thing to arrive.
We are then ready for what is now or what will be with an open heart, open arms, and mind.
Debbie Lynn realized at a very young age that the outer reality was a far cry from her inner truth and meeting her inner wisdom head on always turned into a challenge. The wonderment, curiosity and hypocrisy of life led to exploration and a cumulative documentation (art and journaling) of what she lovingly calls “the purge”. It is her way of ridding any negative energy from the daily grind. She says, “In essence, it is a way to start fresh and cleanse the soul.” Debbie has had numerous articles published with elephant journal, The Edge Magazine and Simple Steps Real Life Magazine. Her daily posts can be found on Facebook.
Editor: Alicia Wozniak
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