Truth is, apologies are hard. It takes a lot of introspection and some humbling to admit you did something for which you need to apologize. That’s a bad feeling. Then, you have to sit down and figure out the words to communicate all your big emotions to the person you harmed. It takes time, effort, and empathy. It’s not pleasant in any way.
By Kellie Schorr
I am deeply sorry for my actions that have caused you harm. I realize that my behavior was hurtful, and I take full responsibility for the pain and distress it has caused you. Please know that this was never my intention, and I am committed to learning from this mistake to ensure it does not happen again. Your feelings and well-being are important to me, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me as I work to make amends. *
At a Loss for Words
I read recently that one of the top five personal uses of ChatGPT is to write apology letters. This fact was supported by the proliferation of AI apps designed to create perfect apologies. Honestly, my first thought was, “If you need to apologize so often that you download an app to do it for you—well—what kind of monster are you?”
I’m aware that comes off as a little judgy. Sorry, not sorry.
Truth is, apologies are hard. It takes a lot of introspection and some humbling to admit you did something for which you need to apologize. That’s a bad feeling. Then, you have to sit down and figure out the words to communicate all your big emotions to the person you harmed. It takes time, effort, and empathy. It’s not pleasant in any way.
(Pro tip: It’s not supposed to be).
While turning to an app for the way to say things when you don’t know how to say them seems like a great plan, it’s about as helpful as a lighthouse in the desert.
Where the Heart Is
When you think about it, there is really nothing more beautiful than a sincere apology. The ability to open your heart, admit your regret, and still reach out to the person you harmed in a meaningful way is top tier humanity. Apologies made of intention, connection, and courage have the power to heal even the deepest wounds.
Apologies that took you 30 seconds to type out a prompt and then watch as it spits out on the screen like organized alphabet soup have no power to heal, reveal no inner struggle and pretty much show the recipient how very little you care in the first place. If you can’t invest the time for an honest apology, you’re not very invested in the person it goes to, either.
Who are you fooling with your fake apology? No one. Exactly, no one.
“I can sense pretty quickly when I’m reading AI-generated writing. It has an eerie blandness about it—every statement just a little too obvious, every paragraph following on by word association rather than progression of ideas. Reading it feels like chewing cardboard.” (Fiona M. Jones, Author’s Publish, June 2024).
The 4th Precept
In Buddhism one of the many guiding principles we are given is the 5 Precepts. They are sort of our “10 Commandments,” only the number is cut in half, the intentions are twice much, and they aren’t needlessly concerned with your neighbor’s ox (unless you kill it—that’s not good). The 4th Precept (paraphrased) is, “Do not use false or harmful words.”
We tend to think of the 4th Precept as “don’t lie” and it certainly fits, but beyond lying the precept instructs us about things like exaggeration, weaponized conversation, manipulative speech and taking credit for words that were never yours to begin with.
To prompt up an apology full of words you didn’t use, feelings you don’t have, and promises you may never keep is the ultimate, “false and harmful words.”
What to do?
- Take the time to write from your heart. Contemplate what happened and allow yourself to feel what you feel.
- If you don’t know the words, give the gift of honesty and say, “I don’t have the words. I don’t know what to say. I just wish this hadn’t happened.”
- If you don’t feel sorry, find a non-aggressive way to communicate about the issue.
And if this article isn’t something you appreciate, what can I say?
I apologize if my article on apologies didn’t resonate with you. Feedback is always valuable for improvement. **
I’m sorry.
* OpenAI. 2024. “Response to query, <write an apology>.” ChatGPT 4.0
**OpenAI. 2024. “Response to query, <write an apology for my article on apologies>.” ChatGPT 4.0
Photo: Pixabay
Editor: Dana Gornall
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