The Dude-uh-pada Chapter 1: The Pairs

“Do I need this?” is one of the most awesome fucking questions, Dudes. “Do I need this to survive? Do I need this to be happy?” If we answer “no,” then life will probably be better without it. That goes for internal shit too, like our thoughts and opinions. “Do I need to think about this? Do I need to have an opinion on this?” If yeah, then full-speed-ahead, Captain. If not, then fuck it.

By Lee Glazier

Hey Dudes, so I’m kinda sorta working on a book called the Dude-Uh-Pada. It’s a Dudeist, er Abideist translation of the Dhammapada.

There are already a few Dudeist retelling of ancient books out there, like, uh,  the Dude-De-Ching and, well, I’m drawing blank. Anyway, I just thought it’d be cool to plop Dudeism into the Dhammapada and see what happens. I’m not trying to, ya know, piss on any fundamentalists’ rugs here, man. Just havin’ some fun. So, yeah, anyway, chapter one:

1. Attitude precedes all mental, uh, stuff.

Attitude is their chief. If with an uptight attitude a person speaks or acts, uncool stuff follows. If with a free and easy attitude a person speaks or acts, happiness follows. Far out.

2. “He pissed on my rug, man!”

Those who harbor such thoughts do not ease their uptightness. Those who do not harbor such thoughts ease their uptightness.

3. Uptightness never cures uptightness.

Chilling the fuck out alone is the cure for uptightness. This law is eternal.

4. There are those who do not realize that one day we all must die.

But those who do, Abide, Dudes.

5. Those who mistake the unneeded to be needed never find what they’ve always needed.

Those who know the needed to be needed and unneeded to be unneeded, find what they’ve always needed.

6. Just as rain breaks through a shitty roof, so uptightness penetrates an un-abiding mind.

Just as rain does not break through an awesome roof, so uptightness never penetrates an abiding mind.

Commentary

1. Attitude precedes all mental, uh, stuff. Attitude is their chief. If with an uptight attitude a person speaks or acts, uncool stuff follows. If with a free and easy attitude a person speaks or acts, happiness follows. Far out.

This is pretty, ya know, self-explanatory I think. Actually, it’s all pretty simple and straightforward, which is cool—don’t need too much rollin’ around in ol’ Duder’s head. Our mood or attitude is like, uh, a… it sets the stage, there we go. It gives us all the props, doodads and thingamabobs that we have to work with. When our attitude is shitty, closed off or turbulent, then it’s going to kick up a lot of un-chill thoughts, feelings and impulses, ya know? If we follow through with them, then it just reinforces the shitty attitude.

If we’ve got a free and easy attitude, then more laid-back mental whatsits are gonna come our way, man. So, step one on the Abiding journey is, ya know, mellow out, Dudes. We can relax our muscles, let ourselves smile, take some deep breaths and say, “Fuck it” to anything that’s out of our control.

2. “He pissed on my rug, man!” Those who harbor such thoughts do not ease their uptightness. Those who do not harbor such thoughts ease their uptightness.

There are a fuck ton of carpet-pissers out there, Dudes. Sometimes we even end up peeing on our own rugs. We can’t control where someone else takes a leak, man; we can only decide for ourselves. Blaming the world for our uptightness is a sure way to never feel mellow. “He pissed on my rug! Now I’m pissed!” No, man, you’re pissed because you, uh, aren’t Abiding, and that’s okay. If ya find yourself pissed off, then you can Abide that too. That’s a cool way to kind of karate chop buzzkills into elsewhere.

It’s not wrong to be upset when somebody does something un-Dude to you. Right and wrong don’t enter into it, they’re just ideas. It’s just, ya know, the rug’s a rug, man. Getting sentimental about it is something extra, and that “something extra” is what tends to weigh us down.

3. Uptightness never cures uptightness. Chilling the fuck out alone is the cure for uptightness. This law is eternal.

If somebody does something out of uptightness, and we respond in kind, that just keeps it goin’, dig? We pass it on. Abiding stops it where it is. We’re cuttin’ off that uncool cause and effect chain and turning it into something groovy. The more uptightness we put in the world, the more there’s gonna be for us to get back from it, ya know? It works the other way, too. The more we learn to take it easy, the easier life’s gonna be on us, man.

4. There are those who do not realize that one day we all must die. But those who do, Abide, Dudes.

This is really the whole kit-and-caboodle, here. Death is a heavy fuckin’ subject, but it’s really the main “why” behind Abiding. There are two, uh, different ways we can go with this. The first one is kind of a deathbed philosophy. When you’re on your deathbed someday, what shit’s gonna be meaningful and important to you? What isn’t?”

Since we can die at literally any time, then it makes sense that we adopt those values—and that attitude—now. That way, our lives will seem significant, ya know? We’re gonna get the most joy out life, and when we do wind up on our deathbeds, we’re gonna be able to look back and be happy about the lives we lived.

We can also take it a little deeper, Dudes. Living like we might die tomorrow is cool, but it can also make us reckless, and being reckless ends up putting us into some pretty uptight situations. So, if we take it a step further, we can just live like we’re already dead. The dead are best at taking things easy. They’re done, man, it’s over. They’ve got no complaints, no fears, and no preferences.

We can get to that kind of attitude when we meditate, Dudes. We get so relaxed, and Abide so deeply that we don’t even have self-concepts anymore. We’ve set it all down. I tell ya, the dead really know how to live.

5. Those who mistake the unneeded to be needed never find what they’ve always needed. Those who know the needed to be needed and unneeded to be unneeded, find what they’ve always needed.

“Do I need this?” is one of the most awesome fucking questions, Dudes. “Do I need this to survive? Do I need this to be happy?” If we answer “no,” then life will probably be better without it. That goes for internal shit too, like our thoughts and opinions. “Do I need to think about this? Do I need to have an opinion on this?” If yeah, then full-speed-ahead, Captain. If not, then fuck it.

6. Just as rain breaks through a shitty roof, so uptightness penetrates an un-abiding mind. Just as rain does not break through an awesome roof, so uptightness never penetrates an abiding mind.

The Abiding Mind—now that’s what I’m talkin’ about. The Abiding Heart. In another Sutta, Buddha said, “Luminous, monks, is the mind, but it’s shittied by incoming shittiness. Luminous, monks, is the mind, when it’s free from incoming shittiness.” Shit gathers when we think of ourselves as something solid, man. Like a rock getting wet in the rain. If we ditch that sense of solidity, then it’s like water falling through space, Dudes. Not to get too Bruce Lee on ya, but then we’re like the water, too.

Abiding means treating everything like guests at an inn. They check in, they check out and the innkeeper stays behind. Everything we see, hear, smell, feel, think and touch are guests, and we’re the innkeepers. If we can learn to let the guests be guests, then there’s nothing else we’ve gotta do, man, everything’ll fall into place on its own.

Anyway, hope ya dug this thing. If ya want more, feel free to let me know and I’ll keep writing it. If not, well I can always find something else to not-do. Take it easy, Dudes, catch ya later on down the trail.

“Dude” Lee Glazier is a Dudeist Priest, Zen adherent and Taoist enthusiast from Golden, Colorado. He likes reading, writing, hiking, taking baths, listening to classic rock, drinking White Russians, smoking, and having the occasional acid flashback. The only thing he truly believes is that everyone needs to slow down, mellow out, and unwad their underpants. He feels that that would solve all the world’s problems in a heartbeat. “Do you have the patience to let the mud settle and the water clear?” 

Photo: Etsy/Dappled Light Studio

Editor: Dana Gornall

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