I Will Not Hold Your Absence Anymore.

 

By Gerta Kapllani

I do believe in Universe and I know it always has a good plan for me.

The universe, I believe leads us to exactly where we are supposed to be. But this time, my universe is against me. It is like the harder I try to hold on to something or someone, the more it wants to get away. The more I ask myself if it is worth fighting, the less I know. It is like when I laugh so much until I hurt then stop when I realize it is serious.

Like an addiction, it makes me happy, it makes me good. I assume I am fine until I realize it has gone too far. A cure—urgently needed! It is time to give myself permission to let it go, to get rid of and to break this habit forever.

How am I supposed to do that?

I have heard the first step is admitting to yourself you have a problem with the bad habit. They say it takes 21 days to give up a bad habit, but the truth is that it took me one year to break you, my worst habit.

Remember how you used to be by my side every single day, hour, minute and second of my life. You were, but you weren’t—you were there. Yes you were somewhere over there, living it up while I was watching your life in pictures, holding you as you were mine (almost mine).

Waiting, that call that did not come, ever again.

What about the day I won “The best leader contest”? Yes, you were there. My entire speech was about you. There was just one person to thank—you my dear. You who were but weren’t at the same time. I made it. I won for you. Sure you were living it up somewhere again and I don’t want to know. But I had your memory right there, sitting on the empty chair beside me to remember me somehow.

What about the rainy Sunday? I was all by myself with the candlelight, my writing papers and something to drink and…you my dear—or better should I say, the image of you in my writing appeared while you were enjoying the sunny island.

What about the worst ever Monday after Sunday? Well, I just went down to the lake like we used to do, took a deep breath and enjoyed my view. It wasn’t bad at all. I still had you with me, since the very moment I put my headphones on you lived in each lyric line of my playlist. But I took my headphones off and started running free.

I guess you are too busy living it up somewhere else and basically now and on you are like the Monday of my life. You are the mondayest person I have ever met. Obviously we met for a reason, though you turned to be a lesson.
And what about my birthday party? I remember it all too well. You were there in every single detail, in the loudest silence, from the flowers to the scarf on my neck—the promise to be there no matter what because 22 was your favorite number.

You didn’t show up, but you were there from the moment I screamed, “Musica por favor,” with my fake smiles, to the last tear I shed on the bathroom. You were there because I lived it up like you were there, but you weren’t.

You were always absent in your presence. I am decorating my life each and every day but your absence is still present. Lately, there is no day that I don’t hear the words “You are beautiful,” but to be honest I feel disguised. The more I listen to them, the more I look for you. I hate myself for even thinking that, but I am not in the habit of holding your absence. Not anymore.

It is time to pack away the last memories. Courage, dear heart! Breathe in breathe out; it is going to be alright. Yes, it is. Funny how these words turn out to be my best prayer when my world starts to fall. It is always the same and never the same way.

But these are the words that come from the voice within and that is the very moment I know it is going to be okay. I can feel it! My gypsy wild heart is ready to come home.

So now finally what is left to say—this one was just another lesson learned!

 

Gerta Kapllani is a 21-year-old from Albania. Her biggest passions are communication and writing. She is in love with details and feels they are what make the biggest difference in life. She also loves music, travelling, fashion and being classy, and is definitely an animal lover. To Gerta, the safest place in this world are in her mother’s arms, where she finds peace and serenity. She considers herself a harmony of contrasts and believes that a beautiful life is composed of big dreams, good music and expensive taste! Find her on Facebook and Instagram.

 

Photo: faeireghost/tumblr

Editor: Dana Gornall

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