By Anshi Shenxing
There are moments that seem to speak of their own passing, even as they unfold before me.
The crescent moon turns to a blazing orange as it dips below the smoke line. This is the first Independence Day I’ve spent in this city in probably 22 years. I was born here, spent the first decade of my life here, and then my parents whisked me off to the country for my own safety and sanity.
For some reason there’s a hint of melancholy in me. There’s that familiar longing for a hand to hold, and the sadness I sometimes feel when I see others not clutching onto each other for dear life.
If there’s one vow I can definitely keep it’s to never squander a moment of love.
This is all too precious, fragile and fleeting for that.
Hours later now and the night has past. A gray day greets me as I make my way to bed. Traffic picks up as those who don’t have the 5th off make their way to work. Birds hoot, whistle and chirp to each other as they dive to the Earth and peck at the ground.
There are sporadic breakthroughs to blue as the low clouds wander east. Everything is different, but that quiet longing still lives in me, a soft ache for a transcendent connection. A police siren springs to life in the distance, announcing itself and everything it stands for.
I wish I could share myself with someone, share this experience.
Of course all of this is viewed with openness. Everything flows, I just watch it all move through me, and watch myself respond to it.
That’s why the ache is so seldom an agony, and why longing rarely evolves into loneliness. I’m just here to partake in this, this human experience. I’m here to sing, and weep, and laugh. Clearing the cobwebs from my eyes, of course I know I’m seeking what’s already present.
But that’s not gonna keep me from trying to find it.
Anshi (安狮) is the pen name for a certain Chan Buddhist. He calls his introspective, autobiographical writing, “Living Dharma.” All names are changed to protect the privacy of those involved. If you know who Anshi is, please refrain from telling anyone. Feel free to check out his Facebook page.
Editor: Dana Gornall
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