Navigating Hug Season for Those Who Hate Touch (And the Rest of You)

There are people who can touch me, and people who can’t. There are times to let someone give me a hug, and there are times when I need to say no. Discipline is simply knowing what time it is and acting appropriately.

By Kellie Schorr

Holidays in the Moment is a six-part series examining the paramitas, also known as the six perfections or the six transcendent actions, through the lens of the holiday season. These attributes help us to open up our awakened heart and reduce suffering for ourselves and others. They are: generosity, discipline, patience, effort, wisdom and concentration.

I hate to be touched.

I stand there, spine stiff, eyes-wide, wearing an uncomfortable half-smile as if I just ingested a candy cane that tastes like rancid cough syrup, with some well-meaning person’s arms wrapped around my shoulders. I nod politely as a timer in my head (which looks like a super-hero movie bomb) counts down the seconds until I explode.

Finally, the embrace ends and I can breathe again. Then there’s the after-touch where I silently stare at my shoes and the other person appears to be lost, struggling to understand why there were no “good vibes” coming their way from the awkward encounter. Hugging me is about as fun as getting a glob of sugar-free Jell-O wrapped in day-old bread at a pastry shop.

There are a number of reasons for that reality. Some I understand very well, and some I don’t. Truthfully, I don’t have to know why, and neither do you. The bottom line is—don’t touch me. That shouldn’t be too difficult. To be helpful, I even put a sign on my office door that says, “Do Not Touch the Writer.”

Does that work? No! Especially in the holiday season where an uncomfortable stranger hug is hiding behind the rosy red nose of every jolly old elf. I’ve never been kissed under the mistletoe, but I’ve been hugged in the holly-decked halls more than once. It’s ghastly. Particularly these days when the social media info-generator spews out article after article about the ghosts of embraces past and the hugs of Christmas present.

Hugging is the new spiritual super-food. Scientists say you need so many hugs a day. Hugging reduces blood pressure and stimulates happiness chemicals in the brain. Hugging adds years to your life. People wander around with signs offering free hugs. That’s all well and good, but not for me. How do I navigate my way through hug season? By leaning on the lessons of the second paramita, discipline.

Discipline in the Moment

If I opened up a shelter for abused and chronically misunderstood words, discipline would get its own room. People cringe that they hear it, moan that they don’t have it, or throw it at someone else when they feel a little judgy. Many cruelties against children and the vulnerable have been perpetuated in the name of discipline. It’s certainly not a word we invite to many Christmas parties, even if later we wish we had.

The good news is that in its best light and purest nature, discipline does not mean being punished for doing something wrong, or forcing yourself to do something you don’t want to do.

Discipline means doing what the moment requires. Nothing more, nothing less. When the moment requires you to get up and go to work, you go to work. When it requires you to listen to someone, you listen to them without talking over, minimizing, or answering them in your head. Every moment, even the ones that combine to form hours and days, has a requirement. Discipline involves discerning what the requirements are, prioritizing them with a flexible heart, embodying them, and letting go when a new moment comes along.

What we all need when it comes to a holiday hug-fest is a renewed relationship with discipline.

What is this Moment?

The key to having the paramita of discipline is developing a sense of awareness or mindfulness about what the present moment requires. It takes time, and if you’ve had bad experiences or a damaged inner voice it may also take a teacher, therapist or wise friend to help you adjust your lens.

If you’re not sure about the moment, ask yourself questions. Is this a moment to be quiet? Is this a moment to reach out? Is this a moment to dance like no one is watching or is this a moment to sit and listen to the music of someone’s heart with deep compassion? Is it a moment when you think about your health and long-term goals, or is it a moment when your grandmother’s once-a-year fudge is what matters for just today? Only you will know.

When it comes to hug time, it’s important to know what’s going on in your moment.

If I’m in a mall and run into an acquaintance who opens her arms for a hug I don’t want to endure, discipline means saying kindly, “I don’t like to hug, but I’m glad to see you.” If I’m leaving lunch with my dear friend and her 80 year-old mother and mom wants a hug, discipline is bending down (I’m really tall) so she can hug me, because it’s my moment with her spirit that matters. If my partner wants to hug me, any moment, the answer is always, “yes!”

There are people who can touch me, and people who can’t. There are times to let someone give me a hug, and there are times when I need to say no. Discipline is simply knowing what time it is and acting appropriately.

The Flexibility of an Awakened Heart.

We tend to imagine discipline as the brick walls we build around our choices, but nothing is farther from truth. Discipline, doing what a moment requires, is glorious in its flexibility. If you set aside a moment to go to the gym, discipline says grab your water bottle and get out there. If you hurt your back and you need to rest, discipline doesn’t say, “play though pain, get up and do it.” It says, “right now rest is required. Heal, then go back when you can.”

We tend to imagine discipline as the brick walls we build around our choices, but nothing is farther from truth. ~ Kellie Schorr Share on X

If you’re one of those “I know you don’t like hugs but I just have to hug you” people, I beg you to stop and realize there are more options in that moment. You can hug with a smile and kind words. I have a good friend who says, “Hugs” as she walks away and I feel both her care for me and happy I’m not being touched. Remember, you can always have your way if you have more than one way.

There are situations where the flexibility of discipline may seem dangerous. If you struggle with addiction, flexibility is not a good option. There is no “just one drink” or “the moment is requiring me to act out this dysfunctional pattern.” In those cases, discipline brings us back to clarity. The moment is never going to say, “this is a time to eat your trigger foods.” Discipline reminds you to stay with the commitment you made to be healthy. That is your moment.

I know it’s a busy, loud, musical season—things to see, carols to sing, presents to wrap, people to hug. Before you open your arms to just anyone, have the discipline to know them, and know how best to share time with them. To someone who wants it, a hug is a perfect present. For those of us who don’t, please, gift us from afar.

Holidays in the Moment

Generosity means giving all that you can give to each moment.
Discipline means doing what the moment requires.

Photo: source

Editor: Dana Gornall

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