Are women really saying they prefer 350-pound wild animals? Why aren’t there more grizzly themed bars? Why aren’t paper towels or Kleenex boxes covered in Kodiak pics? Why are there absolutely no Hallmark Christmas romance movies entitled Beary Christmas?
By Kellie Schorr
As part of a normal day on Tik-Tok, someone posed the question to seven women,“If you were in a forest would you rather encounter a man you did not know, or a bear?”
All but one woman chose the bear.
That led to an interesting, and sadly unsurprising, viral avalanche of posts. Nearly all women said they would choose the bear and listed reasons for that choice. Men, feeling triggered, posted videos making fun of the women, mansplaining about bears, or carrying on about how all this man-hating is ruining their day.
As a woman and a Buddhist, I had to ask myself—what would the Buddha choose?
TLDR: Empathy. The Buddha would choose empathy.
When is a bear not a bear?
It’s not uncommon on social media for posts to compare things for entertainment. It’s usually just a written variation of the kind of ice breaking games we played in junior high school. Would you rather have pancakes or waffles? (waffles). Coke or Pepsi? (Pepsi). City, Forest, or Ocean? (Forest). If you were in a forest, would you rather encounter a random guy or a bear? (Bear).
Wait, what??
Are women really saying they prefer 350-pound wild animals? Why aren’t there more grizzly themed bars? Why aren’t paper towels or Kleenex boxes covered in Kodiak pics? Why are there absolutely no Hallmark Christmas romance movies entitled Beary Christmas?
Because it’s not about bears.
It’s about the vulnerability women feel every single day in a patriarchal society that harms and routinely ignores the painful experiences of women.
A quick of review of clips posted by women explaining this choice repeatedly listed the follow reasons:
- At least, with a bear, I expect to be hurt.
- A bear won’t brag to its friends about what it did to me. Bears don’t do, “Locker room talk.”
- If I get killed, people won’t ask what I was wearing or say I secretly liked it.
- I won’t have to see people defend the bear in court as a, “nice guy who made a mistake.”
- If I live through it, I don’t have to see a bear in every office, every walk home or every family gathering and wonder if it will happen again.
- The bear isn’t going to stand around telling me to, “do my research” or explaining something in which I have credentialed knowledge.
- If a bear kills me, it’s because it is reacting to being threatened or hungry, not because I’m a woman.
- If I live, I won’t have to watch the bear get put on the Supreme Court because it happened a long time ago, and he doesn’t drink that much anymore.
- If I am harmed by a bear, no one will tell me, “It wasn’t that bad.”
And so on. In some ways, #Ichoosethebear is just a follow-up of women saying ONCE AGAIN after the middling long-term results of #metoo that we live in a world where we feel belittled and endangered—physically, intellectually, sexually and socially.
Beary Hurt Feelings
On the other side of the question are men, many of whom feel unfairly looped in with the jerks, the rapists and the abusers among their number. For every woman who has said #Metoo there is a #Notallmen waiting to pounce.
Some men have resorted to responses that belittle the women for choosing the bear as if women are not able to understand wildlife (“If you actually did your research…”) or simply laugh at the very real fear women are trying to express with old tropes and sexist remarks (“You want the bear until you realize he doesn’t get a paycheck.”). Others, particularly members of misogynist groups ramble off psychobabble about “natural law” and masculine identity.
Nothing shows women they were right to choose the bear like these defensive, ignorant responses. #youretheproblem.
It can be very frustrating to feel like you’re one of the “good guys” in the world who does not intentionally hurt women (sexism is so inherently ingrained in western culture that microaggressions and unintended slights do occur) and be pre-judged as a being more harmful than a bear.
However, in that frustration—if you could stop for a moment and recognize that feeling of being stereotyped because of your gender is exactly what women experience every day—it may help to get across the point of this question. It’s not about you as a person. It’s about a cultural burden that women are tired of carrying.
Who Would the Buddha Choose?
It’s certainly not my job to speak for the Buddha, but in my practice and understanding of the teachings I have been given, I would say the Buddha would not be trapped in the duality of Bear or Man. Buddhist philosophy teaches that such a construct is an illusion, and, in truth, we don’t get to pick our forests—our job is to become aware of the place we are in and act with wisdom, compassion, and concentration.
Once we are aware of what’s really happening (and that this question isn’t literal), the Buddha would choose empathy.
The Buddha would listen to the feelings and fears of women and offer them the kind of compassion that brings affirmation, healing and needed change. The frustration of men tired of being labeled as the “bad guy” would also be empathetically received. The Buddha’s teachings about our inter-connection, our responsibility to each other, and our recognition of view would be offered.
The Buddha would encourage them to overcome the “me” and understand the “we” of it all.
To those men who have resorted to the kind of low humor, open arrogance, and defensive nonsense that has cropped up as a response, the Buddha would instantly know how much they are suffering, how small their world is and how their fragility has been poured out for all of us to see. The Buddha’s empathy for them would encourage them to look inward and renounce the three poisons—aggression, greed, and ignorance.
“Man or Bear” is just like the countless viral social touchpoints that came before it. It’s not going to be a long-standing conversation.
It is a moment. Powerful things can happen in a moment. It can inspire a change, start a path, or leave a scar.
Will you choose the man or the bear?
Empathy. Choose Empathy.
Photo: Pixabay
Editor: Dana Gornall
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