This is what I’ve learned from the front lines of crisis work and counseling and what I want to share here: a grounded guide to how to show up, hold space and encourage safety when someone is struggling to stay alive.

 

****Trigger Warning**** This article discusses suicide

 

By George Cassidy Payne

“I’m numb. I haven’t slept in days. My heart hurts. I just want peace and quiet.”

She was texting me through tears. For days, she hadn’t eaten. She hated her body, hated the choices she’d made, hated the marriage she felt caged inside. She was in couples counseling, but there was no safety. She had children, but no joy. And now, she had reached what she called the “end of trying.”

I am not her therapist. I am not her partner. I am a friend—and a crisis counselor—and someone she trusted enough to open the door a crack in her darkest moment.

It was clear: this was suicidal ideation. And it wasn’t passive.

“Freedom is coming,” she said. “My way. Maybe then he’ll finally look at life differently. I don’t care anymore.”

These are the moments most people fear—when someone we care about begins to seriously consider ending their life. Many don’t know what to say. Some say the wrong thing. Others panic and disappear. But when a person is in active emotional crisis, your presence—calm, grounded, loving—may be the difference between life and death.

This is what I’ve learned from the front lines of crisis work and counseling and what I want to share here: a grounded guide to how to show up, hold space and encourage safety when someone is struggling to stay alive.

1. Validate the Pain Without Endorsing the Hopelessness

Suicidal people are not looking for pity, they’re seeking resonance. They want to know: Do you really see me? Or are you just trying to talk me out of this because it scares you?

What I said to her was simple:

“You don’t deserve to hurt like this. You are not your mistakes. You’re someone who’s been deeply hurt and you’re still here. That’s not weakness. That’s strength.” Avoid clichés like, “you have so much to live for” or “this will pass.” Instead, validate the core of their pain while keeping a thread of hope in the room. We don’t rush to the light. We sit with them in the dark, without flinching.

2. Get Curious, Not Clinical

When she said, “I wish I could go back and change everything—no marriage, no kids, none of it,” I didn’t flinch.

I asked:

“If you were in total control, what would life look like? What would you change?”
This wasn’t a rhetorical question. It was a lifeline because imagination and agency are antidotes to suicidal thinking. The more she described what freedom would have looked like, the more she could feel its contours again. Not perfectly. Not hopefully. But enough to stay connected.

3. Watch for Language That Signals Imminence

The most chilling message she sent was this: “Freedom is coming. My way. Maybe then he’ll look at life differently.”

This is what clinicians refer to as message-based suicidality. When someone considers ending their life not just to escape pain, but to make a point. It can be impulsive, emotional and incredibly lethal.

At this stage, you must gently but firmly name what’s happening: “That message sounds like you’re thinking about ending your life. And I want you to know: I’m here. You are not alone in this. And there is help that doesn’t require you to erase yourself.”

4. Offer Connection and Concrete Help

Don’t argue. Don’t lecture. Instead, invite them into the next moment with you.

“Would you text or call 988 with me? You don’t have to commit to anything else, just a conversation. I’ll stay here while you do.”

You can also say: “Let’s just get through this moment. We can take it minute by minute. I won’t leave.”
If you’re in immediate danger territory and you know their location, it’s appropriate to call 911 and request a wellness check, preferably asking for a mental health–trained officer or crisis response team.

5. Support the Supporters

If you’re the one helping someone in crisis, you also need care. The emotional cost of being present during a suicidal episode is real. Call 988 yourself, or connect with a therapist, mentor, or peer support line. We cannot carry someone else’s life in our hands without feeling the weight of it.

But if you’re like me, a friend, advocate or counselor, then you know: this is sacred work. Not heroic. Not performative. Just human. And when we do it right, when we show up in the trembling dark, we remind someone that they are still tethered to life by something real.

Final Words

Suicide is not about death. It’s about pain that feels unlivable. What people want is not to die—but to be free. To be heard. To be loved without conditions. To be allowed to rewrite their story.

Our job is not to pull them from the ledge with words alone, but to stand beside them, unshaken, and remind them: You are not alone. And this moment does not define your ending.

Sometimes, that’s enough to buy another day.
And one more day can save a life.

Resources:

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Dial or text 988
Crisis Text Line: Text HELLO to 741741
The Trevor Project (LGBTQ+ support): Text START to 678-678
Photo: Pixabay

Editor: Dana Gornall

 

Were you inspired by this post? You may also like:

Overwhelmed and Mentally Jammed: A Tingsha Breaks Through

You Are Not Alone: Hope for Those with Mental Illness.

 

Comments

comments

George Cassidy Payne
Latest posts by George Cassidy Payne (see all)