If you’re on a journey of getting clean or sober, don’t give up. It is not easy. It takes work and it down right sucks sometimes. But it’s also beautiful and worth it. You are worth it.

 

By Tanya Tiger

I made it 11 weeks without drinking.

I felt amazing—the best I had felt in a long time. So, why am I back at Day 2? The answer isn’t simple and anyone who has struggled with drugs or alcohol knows the path to sobriety is neither straight nor easy. The answer also isn’t complicated.

I’m back at Day 2 because I chose to drink.

I could blame it on something outside of myself but, ultimately, it was my choice. My husband did his best to support me and he didn’t realize how much staying sober meant to me. That is on me. He was, and is, proud of my not drinking. He has had my back the whole ride.

The problem is, I didn’t actually say the words, “I don’t ever want to drink again.”

One reason, I suppose, is that we’re told not to think too far ahead when we’re getting sober. Instead, “take it one day at a time” is the standard mantra. I think I took that too far by not clearly stating my ultimate goal. My support system can only help me if they know the whole story, but I only gave them pieces of it.

Below is what unfolded leading up to my first drink after being two and a half months alcohol free. Please take into consideration that I am writing this a week after the fact. Some details may have been missed and if I wrote everything that was thought or said verbatim, this article would be a beast.

It was my anniversary weekend and the week of the Fourth of July. I was enjoying a staycation, which included a cookout with some new friends and a cookout with family. I stayed sober for both events and felt pretty freaking proud of myself.

I’m sharing some of my story to show other people who are on this journey, or know someone who is, that we never have this figured out 100 percent. If we’re not careful, we can trip, and land squarely back where we never thought we’d be. It’s not a flaw or a failing, it’s part of the journey. It is us figuring it out and growing as we move through what works and what doesn’t.

The key to all of it is never giving up. Most of our greatest lessons come from our mistakes. If you fall, you get back up…as many times as it takes.

It was the evening of July 3rd, a Sunday. My staycation was about to begin, and I was looking forward to a break from the daily grind. When the shot was poured it sat there. My husband and I were getting ready to shoot some pool. He was enjoying some beverages as he does on the weekends. This has never bothered me. He was always respectful of my choice not to drink. He was being supportive, as usual. I was standing in the kitchen and he mentioned that he would like it if I had some drinks with him to celebrate our anniversary.

There was no pressure, just the request.

As I stood staring at the shot of whiskey, we talked. I was saying something about how I didn’t really know if I wanted to, that I had worked so hard to get to the point I was at and I was feeling really good. He told me that it was awesome that I had gone so long without a drink and he was thankful that I had taken a break.

He said something like, “It’s up to you. If you decide to do it, don’t beat yourself up over it. It won’t be like it was before. I know how bad it was now and I’ll make sure it doesn’t go back to that.”

He went on to explain how it was hard for him to enjoy certain things again when he took an extended break. That the first time after a long time was hard because so much time passed. He wanted me to know that he supported me either way. He left it up to me and walked into another room.

I picked up the shot glass and smelled it. The chemical smell hit my nose and I put the glass back down. I didn’t like the smell. I never did. I left the room.

At this point, that familiar little voice popped up into my head, “If you have drinks tonight and decide tomorrow that it was a bad idea then you don’t have to drink more, it’ll be fine, you don’t have to start counting your days all over again.”

I walked back into the kitchen and stared at the glass again. I went downstairs to help set up the pool table and then went back upstairs. My husband came back into the kitchen.

I looked at him and said, “It shouldn’t be this hard. If I really wanted to drink it shouldn’t feel like this.” He said it was up to me and went back downstairs.

I walked into the other room again. Conversations and situations from the past were swirling through my head. That little voice was offering up every justification it could think of. I walked into my bedroom where an affirmation card sat next to my bed. It read, “Keep Your Word.” I grabbed my phone and pulled up Instagram, looking for some sort of sign. A post popped up about letting cravings come and go and about not giving into momentary feelings.

I walked into my bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. Silently I said to myself, “Just tonight. I won’t have to start over if I just drink tonight.” I looked at the little sign I have taped to the inside of my medicine cabinet, a reminder to #NQTD (Never Question the Decision).

Another voice whispered, “This isn’t a good idea,” and I knew it was right, but I pushed it aside.

I didn’t want to disappoint my husband and be a kill-joy on our anniversary weekend. I know he wouldn’t have thought that, but I did. Even the thought of letting him down ate at me. Even if he said it was fine, over and over again, I wouldn’t have been able to let it go.

All night I would I have been thinking, “he’s disappointed. I could have just one drink and it would be fine…,” and on and on.

I walked back into the kitchen and stared at the glass.

My husband came back upstairs, and I said something like, “I’ve decided if I do this and wake up tomorrow knowing it was a bad idea, I’m taking another long break.” He then added, “It’s ok, it’s not like you were planning to never drink again.”

I responded with, “Actually, that was my plan. I really didn’t plan on drinking again.”

He said that he was surprised by that, paused for a moment, and then went downstairs to finish setting up. I took another moment to stand there.

I could almost hear my inner voice screaming to just walk away—but I didn’t. I didn’t walk away. I picked up the glass with a shaking hand and I drank it.

I shuttered. My husband came back upstairs, and I said, “I did it,” pointing to the shot glass. He walked over, gave me a hug, and said something like, “I promise it won’t get bad again.”

I said, “It can’t.”

At some point in our conversation, he asked me how long it had been, and I said two and a half months.

He told me how awesome that was and how proud he was and that he was thankful that I had taken a break. He told me how worried he had been and how he didn’t realize how bad it was affecting me until I wrote my two previous articles and shared them.

After I did that first shot, I went on with my night. We played some pool. I had a few more drinks. It was less than I would have before and I spaced them out, but it was more than I had originally planned. Even though I was enjoying our evening together, all I could think was, “This is it, no more after tonight.”

Of course, that wasn’t it and I ended up drinking a few more times over vacation. I didn’t drink every day, like I would have in the past, but I ended up drinking just as much as I had before.

Each morning after I woke up hungover, feeling like shit, and thinking to myself, “Oh yeah, this is one of the reasons I quit!”

My sleep suffered. I had heartburn and stomach aches. My mood went to shit and—although I kept a lot of that hidden from my husband and daughter as I felt like it would ruin their vacation—I laid in bed each night thinking, “This is so fucking stupid. I am doing it again. I said I was done with this. I’m done. I have to be done. Tomorrow is Day 1 again.”

That happened four nights over vacation. I finally told myself to let it go and to stop punishing myself. I told myself to ride out the last weekend of vacation and start fresh on Monday. One of those nights after a few drinks, I told my husband that this would be it for me. I wouldn’t drink again after that weekend.

My new sober date is July 10, 2023. I’m on Day 2 as I write this. I am disappointed that I betrayed myself, and that’s what this was: a self-betrayal.

I could have chosen not to drink and gone on with my vacation alcohol-free. I was having a great time not drinking. I didn’t need to drink and it didn’t really make things more fun or interesting. A part of me hoped it would. I almost hoped I would drink and be like, “Huh, that wasn’t bad at all. I can totally keep doing this and just moderate.”

That’s not what happened though. It made things fuzzy and left me feeling down. I did it for all the wrong reasons and have only myself to blame. Looking at it now, I am happy that I didn’t have a great experience. I ended my relationship with alcohol for a reason and it’s not one I want to rekindle.

I learned an important lesson during all of this: that sobriety is important to me. Important doesn’t even begin to capture it. It’s vital.

Being alcohol-free for 11 weeks showed me the person I want to be, the person I am most proud of, and the person I am when I am fully present. Being sober made me a better wife, mother, friend, and human being. This is my second real attempt at getting sober and I know it’s going to stick this time.

I know that people in recovery often say that “this time it’s going to work.” But the reason I feel so confident this time is because I drank again and I was happy to stop again. It didn’t enhance my experience. It didn’t bring me joy. It didn’t add anything to my vacation.

I drank again and proved to myself that it’s no longer for me. I drank again and I decided that living alcohol-free is more my style. It is who I am now.

I was relieved when Monday arrived. It felt like a weight had been lifted and I could get back to real life. While the choice to stay alcohol free may impact the relationships in my life, I can’t let that sway me from doing what I know in my bones is right for me. I know that the people in my life who love me will continue to do so whether I drink or not. I’m lucky that way. I know not everyone has that kind of support.

As a beloved friend told me in a message after I drank again, “It’s okay to start over.” So, that’s what I am doing.

I have a wonderful support network of family and friends, an amazing online support community, and I have faith in myself. I think that last one is the most important.

I have a clear vision of who I want to be and nothing is going to get in my way this time.

If you’re on a journey of getting clean or sober, don’t give up. It is not easy. It takes work and it down right sucks sometimes. But it’s also beautiful and worth it. You are worth it.

Remind yourself every time you fall: It’s okay to start again.

 

Photo: Pixabay

Editor: Amy Cushing

 

Did you like this post? You may also like:

Dealing with Anger After Sobriety: Slamming Doors & Peanut Butter Jars.

Compassionate Recovery: A Vision for an Alternative to Addiction & Recovery

Comments

comments

Latest posts by Tanya Tiger (see all)