In my present body moment I sit with this truth. It is not always to the extreme, of course. But I dare say shadows of this narrative exist each time an apology springs forth.
By Megan Mulligan
I am a chronic apologizer.
It should be a 12-step program. “Hi, my name is Megan and I hate myself so much that apologies free flow.” That may be a bit dramatic but the synopsis remains. The apologies my meek voice mutters are often a reflection of guilt and shame. More so a reflection of bitter disappointment in myself and accumulation of an overdose of responsibility.
The responsibility piece remains the most important in my mind. What does that mean? When in relation with another, for me, it is a habit developed in childhood. Whenever something goes wrong it is the clearest direction to self-blame. Not an uncommon pattern for children to develop since their mental capacity to make sense of emotional information is yet developing.
However, when these patterns continue through our adulthood, unattended they cause harm. Harm not only to ourselves but also to others. Which is where the ouroboros (snake eating its own tail) develops.
Extracting others (for once) from the mental construct, let’s take a look at ourselves; the identified chronic apologizer.
Within a situation that appears ‘confrontational’ our sense of safety feels compromised, we lash insults, anger or misdirected fear toward another. While this sense of safety violation is valid our response remains underdeveloped in the same way our inner child feels unsafe.
An apology is potentially warranted in this case, however it cannot come from a place of self-sacrifice. In other words, take your time. What does that mean?
In “apology recovery” I suggest taking a good amount of space after a perceived interaction so clarity enters the mind space. An argument with a lover, for example, is often wrought with many additional variables or communication threads that make it vulnerable territory. The defensive response links back to the past, for example, where the chronic apologizer is treated unfairly.
This is the case in my personal experience. For years in my romantic relationships I was the one taking accountability and showing up with an apology every time. Further, etched into my mind from the program of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) is the notion that as soon as one is aware of their wrongdoing they make an amends.
I take this so far to heart that I would apologize for “creating wreckage” to people who treated me poorly. In my mind, I am doing the right thing. But truly, I am compromising my self-esteem and allowing actions to go dim while mine take center stage which is really the opposite of okay.
Looking back I now realize this is when apology as a form of self-hate, blame, guilt and shame springs forth.
In my present body moment I sit with this truth. It is not always to the extreme, of course. But I dare say shadows of this narrative exist each time an apology springs forth.
Thus, time as a mediator fills in gaps from the flood of “I did something wrong.” Time allows an apology to spring forth from love rather than fear. Holding patience with ourselves and the discomfort while we pour the experience through our heart and take time and give ourselves grace for the reactions from wounded spaces. Tenderly embracing the areas in our heads and bodies where guilt, shame and blame hang out.
Learning to hold ourselves first before engaging allows an apology to be pure. Otherwise strings are attached when we make amends in the hopes the other person truly sees us and maintains their accountability as well.
It is perhaps an overlooked construct in our society; the simple notion of saying “I’m sorry.” But as a recovering chronic apologizer I implore my fellows to take a look at this with me. A light exists.
With mending, I believe, we find ourselves more complete at our core and powerful when we consciously choose to speak these words.
Megan Mulligan is the Founder and Conscious Living Coach at Infinite Views Wellness, a conscious healing incubator with a focus on plant medicine preparation and integration. They offer intuitive guidance and grounded support for individuals navigating plant medicines —co-creating personalized pathways for self-discovery, and holding space for deep integration, healing, and breakthrough experiences. @infiniteviewslifecoach
Photo: Pixabay
Editor: Dana Gornall
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