By Ilda Dashi
The outer frame of my life looked so strong and solid for years.
I looked like a very self-confident woman. Since I can remember, I took with me a fake veil that was almost transparent, to cover up or protect my vulnerable inner self—a self that often felt like a little child to me.
I wanted to look strong, because inside I felt shaky. I wanted to look confident, because inside I was filled with fears and insecurities. I wanted to look beautiful, because inside I didn’t believe I was beautiful.
Did I succeed in these mind games? At some point, yes. I accumulated what we humans think are the most important things in life, like fame, popularity, publicity, social prestige, two careers (that I have already left behind) and money as well.
Was all this the life I desired? No.
I knew deep inside that I was living a life that was painted with colors that didn’t make me feel beautiful, authentic or totally myself. I was living a life that I created to cover up all my inner issues since childhood, like my insecurities and fear. I was living for years and years a life that was not really mine, yet it looked like so for a very long time.
There have been few periods in the last past seven years that I felt like things were not going in the direction of joy and happiness for me, and I didn’t have any clue as to why.
I could only understand what I can know deeply and truly: my inner self was not as happy and confident as what my outer self looked like, or pretended to be. More and more the inner me was failing the outer me to the point that I had to stop my outer performance and look inside. What was happening there that I was ignoring, shutting down and pushing away?
Times of tears, weeping and great anguish and periods of depression would fall upon me like leaves that slowly fall on the ground. I had enough. And when enough is enough—well you know it. You just know.
No more questions and resistance.
You simply let that veil of dust fall on the ground so you can see yourself naked, with all it contains—fears, insecurities, depression, anxiety and all.
We go on living life as we live it for others, until we realise we don’t anymore. Until we realise that life is ours to live and we must find ways to live it in the most authentic way possible, at whatever cost.
Four months ago I quit my second career. A very powerful pull from an unknown source was pushing me in the direction of quiting that job even though my mind resisted it for weeks and weeks. It didn’t want to hear this kinda of calling, that came from a source deep inside me—a place I had lost my connection with long ago.
After a great deal of resistance, I gave up; I surrendered and I trusted that my inner self would have some good reason for me doing this, for quitting the job. So I did. But first I had to go through a very long time of turmoil confusion and anxiety because of my resistance.
Again, I felt my inner self was trying to take my attention as I was going on the outer front staying at a job that was unfulfilling to me, but I had to work to earn money.
Until I quit.
I quit a job, which could have been my second career, and I quit a dysfunctional romantic relationship as well, at the same time. In the meanwhile a very dear friendship with a friend from far away also came to an end.
Many things are continuing to change on the inner level and on the outer level as well. Everything is changing from inside out now and I don’t have the power to go back to the facade of life I was once living—not anymore. This time my inner self’s voice is getting louder after months of crying and sadness, because periods of transitions are not easy.
I now am finding myself withdrawn from many activities that I used to like. I have come to a point of not liking them anymore. I have let go and instead find places in nature, or at a cafe alone, having coffee time while enjoying the views ahead of me, in the open.
I am taking time to breathe in now and have already left behind a life of being a workaholic, of being “busy” all the time—too busy even for my own self.
Guess what? I don’t want that kind of life anymore. It served its purpose. It taught me what was real and what was not. It taught me what is important for me, not for the world. It taught me what really counts.
What counts to me now is taking long walks in nature, taking time to watch the sky, listening to the songs of the birds, feeling the breeze and the soft symphony of leaves on the trees when they dance with the wind. What counts now is that I take myself out there to enjoy my own company at a coffee bar or somewhere in nature where I can close my eyes, feeling the sun’s rays as they touch my face.
I still don’t know what’s ahead of me, but now it is time that I listen to my inner self more and more. This is not an easy job and it takes time for us to understand ourselves and the many parts we hide away from ourselves and the world. To come to that place inside and have a direct inner guide takes time, sometimes many changes and transitions can accompany periods of depression, anxiety, turmoil and inner pain. But all these are necessary if we desire to live an authentic life, because a life filled with simple things gives us peace, joy and a more solid and true direction to where we will be headed next.
I am beginning to trust my inner self now.
My self and I are taking daily with each other because I have neglected and ignored it for a very long time so it sounds like an unknown guest in my home. But I am getting comfortable with it as the days go by. Do I still cry? Yes, at times. It happens again and again.
Do I still feel sad? Yes, that happens too, because changes are not easy but I trust they are always for the best.
How can we find peace in this process? What about learning to trust our inner self more each day?
I am beginning to learn this.
I hope you will do too.
Trust your inner guide.
Ilda Dashi is a seeker of truth in life. She has been accumulating things that she thought really matters in life, until she realised that nothing is of greater importance that finding her own self, and her own path; in other words her own soul. She is continuing to seek new ways of dealing with her own stuggles and understanding her own unique path and her own uniquesness which sometimes scares her. But she can’t follow any other path other than the path her soul is calling her to follow. She is a lover of nature and silence. She loves to be still and meditate, because in those moments she tastes glimpses of her own truth above the veil of dust filled with conditioning and ignorance from the past. She is a dreamer and she likes to reach the stars. You can follow her on Facebook, her blog and her YouTube channel.
Editor: Dana Gornall