From the moment the retreat began, I couldn’t help but notice how others struggled with the silence and the stark departure from “normal” life. People were crying in the bushes or sneaking forbidden phone calls behind outbuildings. Meanwhile, there I was, strutting around with an ear-to-ear grin, feeling rather pleased with myself, my practice, even the teachings my friends were offering from the stage.
By Gary Sanders
About 14 years ago—give or take—I found myself at a week-long silent meditation retreat in Joshua Tree, California.
At that point, I was still relatively new to extended retreats, though I knew the community well—I was friends with the teachers and many of the hundred-or-so participants. Everything felt comfortable, perhaps too comfortable.
From the moment the retreat began, I couldn’t help but notice how others struggled with the silence and the stark departure from “normal” life. People were crying in the bushes or sneaking forbidden phone calls behind outbuildings. Meanwhile, there I was, strutting around with an ear-to-ear grin, feeling rather pleased with myself, my practice, even the teachings my friends were offering from the stage. I couldn’t understand why everyone else was having such a hard time—meditation was fun! At least, that’s what I thought.
Then came the afternoon that changed everything.
I was sitting in the back of the meditation hall, watching one of my good friends give a dharma talk. The warm desert air filled the room as I basked in a sense of contentment, feeling rather satisfied with myself, my practice, and well, everything. My friend announced he was about to read a poem written by our head teacher, another person I considered a close friend—at that time anyway (that’s a whole OTHER story).
Then, before my homie read said poem, and without a moment’s hesitation or an ounce of restraint, I did it. From the back of the hall, in my best Andrew Dice Clay impression, I bellowed: “HICKORY DICKORY DOCK!!!”
Yes. I had just quoted the opening line of a dirty 1980s limerick. In a Buddhist silent retreat.
In front of a hundred serious practitioners.
The meditation hall fell dead silent. Every single person turned and stared at me, their faces a mix of confusion and disbelief. In that moment, my smug satisfaction evaporated, replaced by absolute mortification. I fled the hall and spent the next few days wandering through the Joshua Tree desert, crying what felt like an ocean of tears. But something profound was happening amid my embarrassment and shame.
For the first time, I was truly seeing the mask I’d worn for so long—the “class clown” identity I’d hidden behind since childhood.
More than that, I began to recognize my desperate need to be seen and heard, even if what I was showing wasn’t my authentic self. This humbling moment became a gateway to examining all the other false identities and protective masks I’d accumulated over the years.
It took this very public embarrassment and days of tearful contemplation in the desert to learn this lesson, but I’m genuinely grateful for it now. Sometimes the most profound dharma teachings don’t come from ancient texts or wise teachers, but from our own moments of utter foolishness.
And occasionally, they might even start with, “Hickory Dickory Dock.”
Gary Sanders is a seasoned Buddhist meditation teacher, dhamma mentor, and sober coach based in Los Angeles, CA. As the founder of SCV Mindfulness and helping found Refuge Recovery, a Buddhist-based recovery program for all addictions that has spread worldwide, Gary has dedicated himself to sharing the transformative power of Buddhist practices with diverse communities across North America and internationally via his video teachings. Empowered to lead Buddhist meditation and dharma groups at Against the Stream Buddhist Meditation Society, Gary’s teaching journey expanded when he joined the staff at Portland Insight Meditation Community. There, he was honored to be empowered by founder and guiding teacher Robert Beatty to teach in the lineage of the revered Ruth Denison. Gary’s approach is deeply rooted in the heart-based Brahma Vihara practices of the Buddha, which he explores and shares through daylong retreats, workshops, class series, and online or in-person sessions. His current practice focuses on Tranquil Wisdom Insight Meditation, which he has skillfully integrated into a unique blend of mindfulness techniques. As a frequent contributor to The Tattooed Buddha community, Gary creates meditation videos that make Buddhist practices and teachings accessible and relevant to contemporary practitioners. His jovial yet compassionate guidance and accessible teaching methods have touched the lives of students across the world, helping them cultivate mindfulness, emotional sobriety, wisdom, and inner peace. For more information on Gary’s teachings and upcoming events, visit: www.portlandinsight.org or: https://boundlessheartdharma.com/media/
Photo: AI Generated by author
Editor: Dana Gornall
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- The Day I Broke Noble Silence (With Andrew Dice Clay) - October 29, 2024
