bow and arrow and heart

Like anyone who struggles to fight off triggers, I can find my thoughts and emotions swirling like debris in an insidious tornado before I realize it. Meditation and prayer help, and since I retired most of my symptoms have either eased or disappeared altogether. Ah, but when this one suffering person spreads suffering to everyone else, I need something I can roll out on the spot.

 

By David Jones

Living with an unpredictably volatile family member can be exhausting.

When someone’s emotions frequently turn into black, infectious, boiling energy, you start walking on eggshells, constantly policing your own words and actions to avoid accidentally provoking them. And when you realize that nearly anything can set off an eruption, it’s like living in a war zone littered with live ordnance where you always have to be careful where you step. You’re grateful for the quiet moments, but the quiet becomes uncomfortable anticipation of the inevitable next round of shelling.

I’ve worked on meditating through it, merely observing my reactive anger and letting it pass through me like the simple thoughts they are, but this is particularly sticky for me.

It’s easy to counsel folks to just let go and observe their emotions and thoughts, but it’s not always easy to do, especially when it hurts too much. And when someone manipulates family and scares everyone into doing everything possible to serve their comfort, it sticks to everyone and everything like grease in the kitchen.

My regular strategy has been to shelter in place whenever that one family member is around, closing my room’s door and hiking the volume of my music or TV so I have some sonic barrier to hide behind. I want to put him in his place, but the sheer magnitude of his seething rage gets so heavy that I don’t dare even go there. This person scares me, and I have to live with them every day.

So I’ve developed a new strategy in keeping with Metta for May.

It’s not just that I keep up my general radiant wishes for the wellbeing of myself and others, it’s that I use Metta phrases as-needed to respond to this negativity, both in my environment and in my own thoughts.

When he argues his way out of anything he doesn’t want to do, or when he comes along and starts loudly complaining about whatever minor irritation is making him so angry right now, I stop my mind’s runaway thoughts by focusing my Metta request to only him at that moment.

May he be happy.
May he be healthy.
May he be peaceful.
May he be safe.
May he be well.

I will close my eyes, sit with an attentive posture, perform a cleansing breath, and silently chant this Metta Prayer over and over. Since I get caught by these triggers every time, this becomes a kind of Mental Health Emergency Treatment Plan for myself, similar to the 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Strategy for mental or emotional crises.

I need that.

I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder as well as depression.

Like anyone who struggles to fight off triggers, I can find my thoughts and emotions swirling like debris in an insidious tornado before I realize it. Meditation and prayer help, and since I retired most of my symptoms have either eased or disappeared altogether. Ah, but when this one suffering person spreads suffering to everyone else, I need something I can roll out on the spot.

Chanting these statements fills the space within me. My thoughts are moved out of the way while I focus on the well-being of this immediate stressor. And I’ve noticed it’s been helping my thinking and attitude.

So when my anger and frustration are kindled by this one person at any one moment, I have a strategy for channeling my thoughts and emotions into a positive focus. My words desiring this person’s well-being become the sole concern for my mind.

Yes, the practice is born from fear and anger, but rather than give in to those feelings I try to transmute them into love and compassion. If this person is happy, healthy, peaceful, safe, and well, the resulting atmosphere is better for everyone. His well-being affects our well-being, and instead of wanting him to suffer because he’s making us suffer, I flood my inner and outer environment with love.

Of course, there are a few who won’t like this practice because I’m still reacting instead of just letting it all go. But all I can say is I’m doing the best I can. And turning to love and compassion to survive someone else’s emotional pyroclastic flows is a practice I can absolutely recommend.

Be well.
 

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Photo: Pixabay

Editor: Dana Gornall

 

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I Have a Mental Illness…& a Dad.

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