A few weeks before, I joined an online community and almost instantly became disturbed by the interactions I was witnessing. I had left once because “they were not my people,” but a few weeks later, at the urging of a loved one, I rejoined.


By Rev Indira Grace

This morning I awakened with some words ready to be said aloud.

A few weeks before, I joined an online community and almost instantly became disturbed by the interactions I was witnessing. I had left once because “they were not my people,” but a few weeks later, at the urging of a loved one, I rejoined.

And then I felt my old friend show up.

“Ah. There you are my old friend. How lovely of you to join me.”

My old friend felt comfortable and reliable, however, I could not remember its name. Perhaps it is the menopause, or perhaps it is one of those things I use every day but simply do not know the name of, like these hanger organizer doohickeys that I use to layer clothes in my closet. They are there, they do their job, but I do not address them with their title when I see them. They are just “those hanger organizers doohickeys.”

So, when this familiar old friend showed up to help me through my experience of this online group, I felt relieved. No, it was more than that. I felt comforted, supported—encouraged even.

My old friend and I began analyzing everything that was being presented and offered by the few everyday contributors.

“Huh, that is kind of juvenile,” it said to me.

“Yeah, I had that experience when I was four!” I exclaimed back.

“They sure have a long way to go to get where you are,” it smugly offered.

“Boy, I don’t know how they will ever get there without the kind of help I had. I just don’t think they are going to make it,” I muttered, somewhat confidently.

These kinds of interactions went on daily for a couple of weeks.

I was partially embarrassed for being so arrogant, and partially, genuinely concerned that no one is offering “real” advice to these people on how to embrace and embody the deep spiritual growth that transforms lives. It also bothered me that I was so split between arrogance and distress over a bunch of people I don’t even know.

“I could just leave,” I said to my friend.

“You sure could. No one would miss you. No one ever talks to you anyway.”

“That’s true. But my loved one wants me here. They often encourage me to share my wisdom, my experiences, but I don’t even feel like I am on the same planet with these people. How could they ever get anything from me?”

And that is where we left it at 2 o’clock this morning. When I awoke six hours later, I was prepared to tell my loved one the conclusion I had come to.

I said:

I have something I want to say about this group we are in. I realize that we are not in the same place. They are still in the honeymoon phase of their spiritual growth. They just made the commitment to start exploring, and they are all over the place!

They are talking about light language and how this one place is the most holy place on Earth, and they are patting each other on the back, congratulating themselves on waking up to change the world.

And I just want to say, ‘Hey, everybody! Newsflash! No one here is special and no place on Earth is more holy than another. What makes it holy is YOUR awareness of your own divinity, which is no more special than anyone else’s divinity. As my master teacher said every fifteen minutes, Get over yourselves!

I took a deep breath and continued:

However, I do understand that they are newbies, just babies in this exploration. I get it. The high from the rush of energy, love, and bliss are addictive, and the feeling like you are finally learning the secrets of the universe is beyond empowering.

They are newlyweds with the power of creation, the power of life. I was one of them once, too. And then my teachers began to show me that power is not in knowing the secrets and dancing to light language videos; it is in standing and facing the destruction and hatred of the world and recognizing that it still lives within you.

It is knowing that peace can only be on Earth, that you will be able to see it, if it is in you. That you are responsible for your own energy, your own darkness, and your own light. It is in the confusion of getting your ass kicked by the universe when you were absolutely sure that the universe told you to do that thing that you now just royally failed.

And then realizing that the illusion of failure was really an agility test to make sure you were ready for the REAL thing. I have decades of getting my ass handed to me, over and over, by the universe, and these poor kiddos have no idea what they are in for.

I am not the leader or organizer of this group, but if I were, I would sure be talking about the realities of enlightenment, the destruction of the illusion and the ego, the pain, giving up the fight in tears at night, only to wake up the next morning with enough energy to try again. No one is talking about how to cope with the daily struggles when the Unicorn Glitter Goggles come off. And that shit is real!

And then I stopped, took another deep breath, and said:

I am pissed because they are still ignorant of the hard work that we must do to really be a change agent in this world. They are having a rainbow party, and me and my friends are holding umbrellas over the unhoused in the storm.”

And that is when my friend reminded me of their name. “Hello Envy, my old friend. It’s been a while since you showed up.

Brene Brown defines envy as a hostile and destructive emotion because it involves comparison, because there is a belief that someone possesses something you do not. Yep. That pretty much nails it.

They have innocence and hope and I have wisdom and experience, and right now, wisdom feels a lot heavier than innocence. As I let that sink in, I realized that Brene was right. This is hostile and destructive, but not towards them; towards me.

Adyashanti said, “Enlightenment is a destructive process that involves the crumbling away of untruth and the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true. It is a tearing away of all belief and all fiction, a breaking down of all pre-formed ideas, concepts, and paradigms, and a bringing to light the stark reality of the world in which we live.”

The simple unpacking of this, in this experience is this:

I imagined that these lovely beings are getting to have more fun and more bliss in their lives than I was. My preconceived idea is that they are naïve and silly, and I am worldly and serious.

All of this is also an illusion and egoic. I can dance around the room to 80’s songs just as joyfully as they can dance around to light language videos. I can get caught up in the bliss of meditation, and the experience of “holy places” just as profoundly as they can. I guess I just forgot that I could.

I mentioned this entire situation to one of my friends, and she said, “Let them have their time. It won’t be long now until the universe is kicking them in all their sensitive places.” And my old friend envy left the building, as satisfaction parked her car.


Photo: Pixabay


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Indira Grace
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