Sexual intimacy isn’t about size (sorry, guys), shape, or even the motion of the ocean. It’s about two beings discovering through the miracle of intertwined bodies and concentration that they are one wave made of the same water, without separation, crashing together against the rock of impermanence until, if only for a few seconds, they breathlessly rise above it. When the sea is settled, the rock remains, and it is time to take a shower and do some laundry, that concentration will transform into a lens so focused that you will, in fact, see the other person first. That’s the point of sex.
By Kellie Schorr
Holidays in the Moment is a six-part series examining the paramitas, also known as the six perfections or the six transcendent actions, through the lens of the holiday season and beyond. These attributes help us to open our awakened heart and reduce suffering for ourselves and others. They are: generosity, discipline, patience, effort, wisdom and concentration.
At least once a year a movie about relationships comes along that seems to get everything wrong.
A convoluted plot, unreal characters, bland acting, lackluster cinematography, and poor timing add up to an unpleasant experience full of unlikeable people. “The Opposite of Sex” (1998, Rysher Entertainment) was one of those films.
Billed as a “dark romantic comedy,” the movie seemed to exist solely to prove Christina Ricci wasn’t a little girl anymore, Lisa Kudrow could act outside of the small screen, and if you say the word “gay” enough times in a feature film the world will become a better place. It failed all three objectives. Buried deep in the rubble, however, is a thought so profound it has stayed with me for over 20 years. Good writing (even in bad movies) can do that.
The Point of Sex
A local sheriff (played by Lyle Lovett) is disappointed that the woman he loves and had sex with is obsessed with someone she can never have (see: convoluted plot). Hurt by her distraction, he turns to her in a moment of clarity and says in his slow country drawl:
“Say the point of sex isn’t recreation or procreation or any of that stuff. Say it’s concentration. Say it’s supposed to focus your attention on the person you’re sleeping with, like a biological highlighter. Otherwise, there’s just too many people in the world. In a crowded room you look for me first. And I’ll do likewise.”
In a world full of sexual misinformation, misrepresentation and manipulation, this truth still sparkles like sunlight on the water caps of a rushing stream. You can forget about all those “How to have good sex” clickbait articles because all you really need to know is right there.
Sexual intimacy isn’t about size (sorry, guys), shape, or even the motion of the ocean. It’s about two beings discovering through the miracle of intertwined bodies and concentration that they are one wave made of the same water, without separation, crashing together against the rock of impermanence until, if only for a few seconds, they breathlessly rise above it. When the sea is settled, the rock remains, and it is time to take a shower and do some laundry, that concentration will transform into a lens so focused that you will, in fact, see the other person first. That’s the point of sex.
Concentration
The final paramita in this series is concentration, which many teach as another way of saying “meditation” but it so much more than that. Meditative concentration is when you focus on your breath with such purity that the rest of you (your past, your pleasures, your problems, your promises) disappears and there is nothing left in that moment but liberation. Meditation is the way we train our minds to focus. It is a method. Concentration is the path.
Concentration is being fully connected to the moment. When you are working, concentration connects you to the task in front of you. It doesn’t matter if you’re writing a story, reviewing a spreadsheet, making a sale, or pouring a drink, when you connect with what you’re doing there is measurable liberation in even the most tedious day at work.
If you’re a runner, connect with the ground. If you’re swimmer, be part of the water. If you’re with your children, be in their world. If you’re alone reading on the couch, climb into that story with your whole heart. When you’re on a date with your partner, turn off the phone, and see them first.
Beyond Cupid
In the west, our understanding of love, sex, romance and bliss hits a sometimes complicated speed bump every February 14th. For some, Valentine’s Day is a cutesy holiday made of construction paper hearts, naked babies shooting arrows, and sugary kisses. For others it is more like a holy day of obligation featuring dinner requiring good posture, flowers, and shoes so uncomfortable you understand why, no matter which legend you believe, Saint Valentine died a martyr. Then there are those who celebrate their freedom from such nonsense, and sit solidly, happily, in the house of themselves.
However the day arrives, with exultation, expectation, or a commemoration of the St. Valentine’s massacre, it invites you to make the moment something more. Contemplate beyond cupid, and declare it a day for concentration.
Meditation is the way we train our minds to focus. It is a method. Concentration is the path. ~ Kellie Schorr Share on X
Be connected to your heart, accepting all emotions without sorting them into piles of “should” and “shouldn’t.” Let yourself feel connected to the beings in your life space be they pets, parents, partners or friends. Realize the world isn’t made of singles or couples, but all of us connected to each other in amazing, often unseen ways. Go all the way in, whether it’s a dance, a prayer, a hot bath, or sensuous intimacy.
Dive deep, and open your heart to it all.
The day will pass, and once again it will be time to take a shower and do some laundry. The more you meditate and train your mind to look through the lens of connection, the more you will see everyone you love (including yourself), and everything that matters, first.
In the Moment:
Generosity is giving what you have to the moment.
Discipline is doing what the moment requires.
Patience is letting the moment be exactly what it is.
Effort is filling the moment to its fullest potential.
Wisdom is learning from the truth at the heart of the moment.
Concentration is being fully connected to the moment.
Photo: Pixabay
Editor: Dana Gornall
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