Before the Complications: A Roadmap on How to Get Back to Simple

We can’t do it alone, we have to help each other be free. With each angry retort, each betrayal, and each callous dismissal we reinforce the frost in each other’s hearts.

 

By Anshi Shenxing

When I think of my childhood, I always think of Fall.

There’s a scene at the end of the movie Big where the street is lined with trees ablaze with the full spectrum of autumn colors. They reach across the pavement, forming an orange and yellow canopy that seems to go on forever. Fall has always been my favorite season, and it seemed to last longer when I was a kid—but that could just be time distorting memory.

There’s a feeling to those days, a subtle glimpse that the word “nostalgia” doesn’t quite convey. It’s less like looking back, and more like bringing forth, letting those moments reappear in the present. It’s like water on rock, or grass swaying golden green at sunset. Like hard candy, bang snaps, and ink pens—the clear ones with caps.

It’s the 90’s, back before childhood was interrupted by madmen flying planes into buildings. Before Dad lost his job, before I discovered the miracle of alcohol, before the war(s). Before the complications.

I get the impression that life still isn’t all that complicated, we just make it that way.

The only difference between me as a kid and me now, is that now I think I know things. Really, there’s nothing stopping me from pouring a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and watching Darkwing Duck right now. There’s nothing stopping me from going outside and lying in the grass.

Well, nothing but depression, which has the amazing ability of putting up a wall between actions and intentions. It takes my voice, takes my will. It’ll probably take me too, someday. Somewhere along the way, things got screwed up. The bad habits made their way into everything, the need to be loved prevented me from loving myself. Winter came, tears froze, and the leaves fell from those autumn trees, leaving behind wooden skeletons scratching at cold, gray skies.

What happened? Impermanence happened. Death and rebirth. Lower and lower, darker and darker. I never knew how dark things could get. The shadows ate me up, to the point that whole years have passed by without me barely even noticing the changing leaves. Self-destructive, self-absorbed, self-loathing. Why? Why did this happen to that little kid who loved the Fall? Who never hurt anyone, who only wanted to be loved.

We never grow old, we just get colder.

But I know, with total certainty, that I’m still in here somewhere. That that child still lives in all of us. That there’s still magic and mystery, still that feeling, and that it can be brought forth to stay, that it isn’t hidden, just easy to overlook.

We can’t do it alone, we have to help each other be free. With each angry retort, each betrayal, and each callous dismissal we reinforce the frost in each other’s hearts.

We have to help each other Wake Up—help each other be young and simple by not complicating each other’s lives; by not hurting each other. Pain closes us off from the world, which closes us off from ourselves. I’ve tasted that sweet openness, we all have.

The only way to get back to it is together.

This entry written while listening to:

 

 

I get the impression that life still isn't all that complicated, we just make it that way. ~ Anshi Click To Tweet

 

AnshiAnshi (安狮) is the pen name for a certain Chan Buddhist. He calls his introspective, autobiographical writing, “Dharma Noir.” All names are changed to protect the privacy of those involved. If you know who Anshi is, please refrain from telling anyone.

 

 

 

Photo: Pixabay

Editor: Dana Gornall

 

Did you like this post? You might also like:

The Echoing of Loss: I Did Not Choose to Be This Strong.

  By Tanya Tiger   What do you do when your heart is breaking and there are no words to describe the way you feel how do you go on? What is it, within us, that gives us the strength to put one foot in front of the other when all we want to do some days is...

I Decided to Leave Everything Behind & Travel to India to Find My Soul.

By Ilda Dashi Real dreams cannot be found inside a locker, or under a spell of the night. They wouldn’t stay hung on the corners of the stars for you to collect them if they ever fall from above into your hands. Nor can you find dreams in your sleeping hours. They are...

How a Naked A$$ Can Start a Revolution

  By Carmelene Melanie Siani So, out of the blue you get an e-mail from a national magazine whose target audience is retired people. They say they saw your pictures in a photo shoot you did once, wanted to produce a piece on the naked...

Bridge to Where: Facing Fears & Finding Healing

  By Lulu Trevena I am seeking for the bridge which leans from the visible to the invisible through reality. ~ Max Beckmann We are all journey-people, traveling at times haphazardly and purposefully through our lives, coming to bridges and...

Comments

comments

Latest posts by The Tattooed Buddha (see all)