Sangha Envy.

Sangha Envy.

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By Dana Gornall

 

Yes, it’s true I am an introvert.

This word has gained popularity over the last few years with the resurgence of the Myers-Briggs personality test on social media, the plethora of memes such as Anxiety Cat and The Social Awkward Penguin and the research that has been done lately, ironically shining a large spotlight on all those that look to avoid attention.

I am the epitome of an introvert. I shy away from crowds and feel more energized after time spent alone, whether that be reading, walking in the woods with my dog or even just watching TV. I fare so much better with people one-on-one or in small groups, and a party or event invitation can send me reeling with anxiety about how to get out of it and if I can’t get out of it, how to handle said event.

Sangha is a term that means community—specifically a spiritual community.

If you read anything about Buddhism (and being the nerdy bookworm that I am, I have ready many), you will eventually run across this word and the importance that is stressed about finding one. I’m not saying it isn’t important; I certainly find comfort in my “tribe”—which for me is mainly people from all over the world I have met online through writing and writer’s groups. It’s just that the idea of walking into a Buddhist center or temple full of strangers and unfamiliar traditions is akin to a cat being thrown into a swimming pool.

It’s not like I haven’t done it, though. In my quest for spiritual clarity or God or understanding or whatever you want to call it, I have pulled up my big girl pants and awkwardly walked into many unfamiliar places. But it’s never easy and honestly, I just don’t want to. I don’t want to meet new people, I don’t want to step outside of my comfort zone and I don’t want to once again feel like an outsider standing somewhere on the fringe of a room shuffling my feet back and forth and looking around for all of the exit doors. Besides, the whole thing begins to feel kind of “churchy” and that idea alone makes me want to run in the other direction (sorry Father Ols and Sister Genevieve, but it’s true).

Yes, I realize I am whining.

Yes, I know finding support and mentors can be facilitative in personal and spiritual growth. Believe me, I see the irony of my mental whining and the subject of what I am whining about, but that doesn’t make it any easier, either.

The fact is, I feel torn. While a part of me would love the home a community of like-minded people can provide, the rebellious and stubborn part of me hates the idea of going along with any kind of crowd—even if it is Buddhist. And I love people and feel compassion toward them, but I also kind of hate people too (did I just admit that?).

Is Sangha really necessary in Buddhism?

After all, it’s part of the whole Triple Jewel thing that Buddhists are supposed to take refuge in: Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. Would it make me less spiritual or Buddhist if I chose to ignore that part? Is it like vacuuming only the middle parts of the room and not behind the couch?

I suppose so.

Can I find Sangha online behind the comfort of my computer screen? There are many debates out there on each side of that argument as to whether or not that is the same or as effective.

But, in reality I may be missing the point of my uneasiness surrounding the whole issue. Could it be, perhaps, that at this point—right here and now—that the lesson is less about finding a community and more about facing a few inner demons when it comes to stepping outside of my carefully constructed box?

This is entirely possible.

For now, I will try to quiet the inner whining and bucking about being in unfamiliar territory. I will try to use the mindfulness tools I am desperately attempting to develop so that maybe I can find some kind of equanimity when I am confronted with these things. And maybe I will get up the nerve again to walk into one of those centers or temples or something like that.

Until then, I’ll be sitting back here quietly on the fringes of the room, shuffling my feet back and forth, with a little bit of Sangha envy.

 

 

Photo: tumblr

Editor: Ty H. Phillips

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Dana Gornall

Dana Gornall is the co-founder of The Tattooed Buddha and mom of three crazy kids and a dog. She has been writing stories since she could put words into sentences, and is completely in love with language of all kinds. The need to connect with people on a deeper level has always been something she strives for and finds fulfilling. Whether it be through massage, writing, interpreting or just chatting with a good friend, shefinds bits of enlightenment in those connections. If not working or writing, you can find her standing outside in the dark night gazing up at the millions of stars or dancing in the kitchen with her children. Check out her writing here on The Tattooed Buddha and her column:The Yoga Slut. You can also see her writing on Elephant Journal, Be You Media and Rebelle Society. You can connect with her on Twitter and Facebook.
By | 2016-10-14T07:48:03+00:00 June 10th, 2016|blog, Buddhism, Featured, The Yoga Slut|0 Comments