I Decided to Leave Everything Behind & Travel to India to Find My Soul.

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I Decided to Leave Everything Behind & Travel to India to Find My Soul.

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By Ilda Dashi

Real dreams cannot be found inside a locker, or under a spell of the night.

They wouldn’t stay hung on the corners of the stars for you to collect them if they ever fall from above into your hands. Nor can you find dreams in your sleeping hours. They are far away from real dreams. Sleeping dreams are wishes that never came true.

True dreams can be found by crashing down all the walls inside your mind and heart, all the cupboards and closed doors that you project or imagine in your tiny, thinking mind.

Real dreams can sparkle and fuel the inner fire in your blood only through going for it, feeling your biggest dreams and longing inside your bones, embracing them with power of your entire being, cradling them with your hands and singing to them lullabies to give them life and existence into the reality of your being.

Four months ago I decided to leave everything and everyone behind and travel to ‘far away’ India, to find my soul. I felt lost and disoriented. The darkness I saw inside of myself anytime I closed or opened my eyes was beyond perception. I was drowning in a dark lake every day and the feeling of loss was so great I felt death was very near. My breathing was always shallow, I could not feel my heart beats any longer, could not tell if it was still pumping blood into my arteries or not.

The life force in my body had dulled or was absent, far from the simple landscape of my everyday life. My veins and blood felt dry while my lips filled their corners and lines with cracks and became more and more speechless.

My hands had lost their ability to type. To put in words what I was going through became impossible; I could no longer write. The words inside my mind felt frozen while the symbols inside my heart had collapsed and then run away with my heart into the unknown. I felt that I no longer existed, only my shadow was leaving its traces, like a tree on dust filled streets or empty roads.

Then, one morning upon waking up I went to the bathroom and cried out loudly.

I spoke to myself and I could hear my voice yelling at those beautiful, tired, sparkling dust, lifeless eyes that were looking at me from the other side of the mirror, “ You’ve got to decide if you want to die or go out there and live your biggest dreams; it’s up to you. And decide now.”

After this ‘order’ coming from somewhere deep inside me, more tears begun to flow down my cheeks, like a river with no destination. I could feel their warmth, and for the first time I felt warm and wrapped with love. I could feel my arms embracing my body tightly. After one hour in the bathroom, I walked out and begun to write my first biggest dream: to embark on a long journey, going to India…ALONE.

This trip had been on my mind for the last seven years continuously, but I would find excuses as to why I could not go. One of them was because of money. Bullshit. The real cause was because of the dark, mysterious queen—fear.

I was afraid to follow this dream and this time more than ever, the calling to go on this journey became louder and louder. I could not ignore it any longer. This time I decided to go after this dream alone, without asking for anyone’s suggestion or advice.

I did not tell my family, nor my closest friends. This time it was between me and myself only. This time there was no power in the world to hinder me to fulfill this longing inside me. I gathered courage and started to plan the trip. In just a month I prepared everything, with lots of expenses, tiredness, sweat, but I felt a deep happiness inside.

I knew this feeling was right. I knew this journey was right for me at that very moment in my life. I knew this was going to be the trip of my life. When I told my family and friends they all fell into a deep shock. It didn’t make sense to them. Well, it certainly did not make any sense to my logical mind either, but this time something else was leading me into the unknown.

It was there in the mystery of this journey that I was called to look for my soul, for my true self. I packed not only my luggage but my feelings, my thoughts and my dreams. I left my country, Albania, on November 4th to go to India. Getting on the plane a ray of joy touched my heart and I suddenly felt light, like a feather, flying across the blue sky wherever the wind took it.

No one agreed with me but in the end they had to respect my decision, they had no other option. But I didn’t really care what anyone thought this time, not at all. I needed healing. I needed to experience healing from inside out. This trip was anticipated by a mild depression and some other small trips around my country, in search of the lost pieces of my soul.

When I left Albania to go to India, I was diagnosed with a severe physical condition that would end up in surgery if it would not get healed itself within two months.

So I left my country in a “sick” mode. I had digestive problems, pain in different areas of my body and more. I took a whole bag with medicines in case I would be needing them. (I never used them though).

Everyone was worried about me, except me.

I knew it deep inside my heart that I would experience healing of some sort during this trip and that India (the land of Gods and spirituality) would definitively take care of me, as if I were its child.

And it did.

I experienced much healing during my two and a half month stay. That was the beginning of a different kind perspective on life, myself and the art of simple living. I learned most of all that living simply brings more joy that we can imagine. I’m not going to make this story too long here, maybe I will write another time about the most significant events that changed my life forever during this trip.

But this piece is to remind us, all of us, that are feeling so dead at the moment, probably experiencing a deep depression of some sort, frustration, anger, fear, boredom, in our lives. We need to get up from that place where we are sitting right now, with tears, weeping and all and start planning for our biggest dreams.

I found many lost pieces of my soul in India, all of us can. And no, it’s not necessary to go in India, like I did. It may be a longing to go to another place, take a ship trip, or go to a mountain, or whatever it may be.

We can take pen and paper now and write our biggest dream, one of those that we feel deep within ourselves that will bring us healing and joy. We know it. We really do.

I did not chose India because of what I read in books, or because it was a beautiful experience for someone else. That country and place was literally calling me from inside. I had always felt a great connection with that place and I never had any clue as to why.

So each of us will know where our inner being is going to lead us. We must follow that voice even if it may sound crazy, or senseless. The voice of our intuition has no logic, so yes, we can follow it faithfully. It will never lead us astray.

As I said, I’m taking about one of those dreams that are considered to be impossible. There is no such thing as impossible, it’s all a matter of how much we desire or long for it. Period. We must write this dream down, in words or a key word, in our own writing style. Look at it, look at it deeply and trust that we can make it, if we really feel it in our bones.

Then…?

Well then, we get moving and start working on it. We do whatever it takes and enjoy every step, every sweating or tiredness during the process.

It is in our dreams that our soul dwells.

It is in our dreams that the pieces of our invisible spirit are found.

It is in our dreams that the stars can be reached.

So what are we waiting for?

Go after your soul.

As for me, I’m beginning to trust in my dreams, and now I have opened a new blank page in the next chapter of my life to design and give birth to my next dream.

Because I feel that only in fulfilling my dreams and longing I’m experiencing healing and joy as a result.

 

Ilda Dashi

Ilda Dashi is a seeker of truth in life. She has been accumulating things that she thought really matter in life, until she realised that nothing is of greater importance that finding her own self, and her own path; in other words her own soul. She is continuing to seek new ways of dealing with her own stuggles and understanding her own unique path and her own uniquesness which sometimes scares her. But she can’t follow any other path other than the path her soul is calling her to follow. She is a lover of nature and silence. She loves to be still and meditate, because in those moments she tastes glimpses of her own truth above the veil of dust filled with conditioning and ignorance from the past. She is a dreamer and she likes to reach the stars. You can follow her on Facebook, her blog and her YouTube channel.

 

Photo: Pexels

Editor: Peter Schaller

 

 

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The Tattooed Buddha was founded by Buddhist author Ty Phillips and Dana Gornall. What started out as a showcase for Ty's writing, quickly turned into collaboration with creative writer, Dana Gornall and the home for sharing the voices of friends and colleagues in the writing community. The Tattooed Buddha strives to be a noncompetitive, open space for the author’s authentic voice. So while not necessarily Buddhist, we are offering a dialogue that is aware and awake to the reality of our present day to day, tackling issues of community, environment, and compassionate living.

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By | 2016-10-14T07:48:21+00:00 April 11th, 2016|blog, Empower Me, Featured, Wellness|0 Comments