By Alicia Wozniak
We’ve all been there. Our bellies start making noise, our sphincters clench, we start sweating maybe—probably, our eyes widen: a fart is brewing.
We look for an escape. Perhaps there is one, but if there isn’t—like we’re in a meeting and leaving isn’t possible, or the walk-run out of the room would be obvious something’s up—we start hoping it’ll be silent (and not deadly). Oh, the agony, and potential public humiliation. And then it happens.
We, like nearly every other being on the face of the planet that eats, fart.
One can never really trust a fart. Hopefully, we’ve survived and simply eased out a quiet toot, or maybe we ripped it and owned it. Perhaps we were among friends, like that one time I was teaching an abs class. I was up front on my mat leading maybe 10 people, most of who were/are my friends. We were doing crunches, the music wasn’t up too loud, regular talking voices were audible, and then one of my best friends who was parallel with me on the floor farted. It wasn’t loud, but it was most definitely a fart.
My brain immediately processed what happened and I stuffed the laughter building within deep inside myself.
I was leading a class in a gym where maybe not everyone thinks farts are hilarious; it’d be unprofessional to crack up over someone else’s fart. My own, sure. Have at it, everyone. The instructor cracked one off. I was doing okay until my friend said, “Love ya.”
I lost it.
Breathing wasn’t an option; neither was sitting up. There I was, horizontal on the floor, unable to move, laughing myself into tears; the sound of her fart and acknowledging it played over and over in my head. The more I tried to not laugh, the harder I laughed. She was laughing. All of my friends were laughing. I have no idea if non-friends were laughing. It was too late anyway. Report me to management, complain to my boss; I couldn’t help myself. I think someone said there was at least one person who wasn’t pleased, but I tell you what… That was the best abs class I’ve ever taught. My entire core hurt from laughing, so did my face.
I laughed just as hard when I first saw this video of a deer blasting the forest. Its face right before, its body during. Even animals pause momentarily, in what seems like panic, right before rolling out a fart.
Look, even the Dalai Lama farts and laughs about it.
The human body is weird and wonderful. Farts are funny. Laugh at the hilarity, but maybe breathe through your mouth just in case.
Editor: Dana Gornall