By Kate Joyner
I spent half my life thinking there was something wrong because he didn’t love me back.
I spent half my life feeling like I got it wrong, that my feelings are wrong because he didn’t love me back. I spent half my life feeling like I will never be loved because he didn’t love me back—because it didn’t end happily ever after or even happily in the first place. Because I longed to kiss and never even got to touch his skin.
Because now after some time and space I don’t even remember his name but I still feel him in my blood.
Sometimes (in fact, most of the time), I’ve been convinced that I don’t get to choose whom I love. He simply comes along with a bow and arrow on his back and strikes me in the heart without even knowing he’s done it. Once caught, there is nothing to do but get carried along by the said cast thread, and let it take me to all the places at the bottom of the ocean that I never even wanted to go to, feel things I never even wanted to feel, and see things I never even wanted to see.
So, I know for sure that I would never choose this person to love.
This involuntary happening turns my world around, upside down and moves the foundations that even I can’t control and the tide waves that roll just because I met this person with his bow and arrow. It all happens on the inside. Every emotion that I had buried in an attempt to be an independent woman comes to the surface and there I am faced with all of the unturned stones of my existence.
And this isn’t even who I thought I was.
And then comes the impossible task of bridging all of this to the field of the other and hoping that they too are secretly wanting—secretly stirring in the same way you were since it was him after all who cast his arrow (so he must be right).
But what if he doesn’t? The doubt kicks in, the insecurity rises, and there is no certainty. How do I get out again?
There is nothing to do in this moment but sweet surrender; lie close to the ground and take the down pour of faith. Just let it happen. In all of the feelings that I really don’t want to feel, I am reminded of the gift of mystery coursing through my body and showing me that some things I am just not meant to know. It’s in the losing control that I feel my humanity is my direct cord to the divine. These feelings are so precious. I would give my weight in gold just for him to show up again.
At the end of the dance it doesn’t really matter if he loves me back.
Because through the glare of his ice blue eyes, I have been shown the depths of my own love. I have been initiated into layers of my being that have been waiting to come to the stage and join the party. I reclaimed more of me than I ever know existed through the casting of the mystical bow with his arrow.
And even though he didn’t love me back, I now love him 10 times harder (or softer), because that is who I am. Every piece of the love stricken humanity is the love I have been waiting for.
And even though we never touched, this love rocked my core, to the point where I know I wont be able to love in quite the same way again.
Kate Joyner, a.k.a. Silver Moon Poetry, is a lover of all things wild. She gives voice to the unspoken voices of the feminine through her bold and sensuous poetry performances. She is also a mentor to those who seek the deeper truths of their existence and want to reawaken the feminine magic of their own souls. You can check out her poetry here; website and follow her movements on Facebook.
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This article seas first published on Rebelle Society.
Editor: Dana Gornall