By Edith Lazenby
We are all a little broken in ways.
We each have a fatal flaw; a way of being that saves us in one way, but if we could look it straight on, devastates us another way.
My poetry mentor taught me to tell the truth. To speak truth I must see past my own lies, easier said than done sometimes. In poetry though the Muse does the work and always tells me what I want to say.
In life it is a little rougher. For better or worse, I have had my psyche rearranged a few times due to those whom I chose to trust. Most recently, I woke one day and said, “Jeez, I am depressed.”
Changing my state of my mind. Not sleeping enough at all. Taking just enough medication to keep skating a fine line. Not eating at all. Eating way too much. Drinking coffee all day and night. Sleeping in my clothes.
I stopped caring.
I no longer wanted to feel a thing. I no longer wanted to take responsibility for myself. I wanted someone to take care of me.
As you can imagine this came after a break-up in an intense relationship that was constantly ending till it finally did.
After a 17 year marriage where I lost all I knew in 2014.
My mom died 2014.
I found my fatal flaw was a need so raw it hurt to simply be and feel the longing.
How does one have a psyche rearranged? Trusting someone so much and giving so much power we lose any way to protect ourselves. I have done that in different ways in my life with three men. There were others, but those three found a way in and took me to that mirror; they made me look at what hurt to see.
Usually, what I see is something I did not know I knew.
So I am beginning to care again. Today I make an effort to eat better. Today I drink less coffee. Today I probably won’t cry. Today I want to stand tall, and embrace the joy that is my birthright. I used to say I bend and don’t break. Now I am not so sure of that. I will say, so far, I find the light at the end of the tunnel.
Even knowing betrayal tends to be part of the package, loving is always worth the risk to me.
Will I trust someone else like that again? I hope so. Of the three men, only one can I say wanted nothing but my dedication to poetry and learning.
No matter what they want I will learn.
Edith “Edie” Lazenby lives in Baltimore and teaches yoga. Writing is her first love. She enjoys a cup of coffee and being around people. Life is a celebration. Writing helps her celebrate.
Editor: Alicia Wozniak
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