By Sonia Shrestha
Sitting there on a dark night, with an aching heart filled with tears I withheld, I started thinking and introspecting.
With only a few remaining days as the year was drawing to a close, I was transported back to all the past few months. For me, those were months filled with mixed and contradictory components. While there were happy days, they were also short-lived and overshadowed by gloom, despair, hopelessness and everything one can associate with sadness. There were days of extreme fear and anxiety, days when I wanted to stay locked up in a room—away from all human contact—days when I wanted everyone to forget about my human existence.
There were days and nights when I wanted to run far, far away from human civilization and not meet a single living soul.
I was scarred, broken, shattered and never did I think I would recover from such shock—from giving too much love or by trusting too much. Today, when I think of it all, I take pride in myself for not giving up, for fighting every battle with my head up and for surviving them all.
I am a fighter.
I have come to love myself—with all of my flaws. I will not let a single soul bring me down.
Sure I am still kind, but I am strong enough to not let anyone dim my light or take advantage of the tenderness I hold. I have understood things the hard way, and I know there will be nobody to love me the way I love myself. At the end of the day, it is just me and my shadows talking and sharing the secrets and the pain. It is me wiping my tears and calming myself.
I could not have been more thankful for these past few months, that helped my character grow stronger. To create a person who knows how to love, but who also knows how to save her own heart.
I know I have grown a bit more mature. I now have a better understanding of humans, and I think I can differentiate between the ones who are good for me and the ones who are poisoning me.
I have had those days when I let people bring me down with just a few words. I have let enough of them exploit me, but not anymore. Here is my answer to each one of you who tried or still tries to take advantage of me—here is me saying no to each one of you. I will not help you maintain your ego and pride any longer. I now have my own self to love and pamper. I will still give you love and care (yes, my love exists for each one of you) but never at the cost of ruining myself.
Almost half of the year went by with me trying to find myself—trying to revive this person who felt inside. I had become the kind of girl who hid her sorrow beneath a thick line of kohl eyeliner and red lipstick.
Through some stroke of luck, or fairies working magic, I found a soul I could connect to who slowly and gently awakened the dead person inside, who loved me just as I was—with all my imperfections and kissed away the scars.
I welcome this coming year with gratitude and love, and I vow to love myself just as I do now.
To 2015, I would like to thank for all the lessons that were given to me and for sending someone whom I will love despite of everything. I have won this battle and I am ready for all that life wants to throw at me.
I know that I am not the only one that has gone through a lot. I am sure many out there have fought and conquered harder battles. So here is my love to each and every single one of you—I am proud of you all.
As the year comes to an end, let us all welcome the new year with open arms and let us all promise to love ourselves first, before we love someone else. Let us be strong and independent.
Let us conquer it all.
Sonia Shrestha is a literature student who is on a journey to know herself, passionate about reading and writing. A quote-aholic (totally addicted to quotes), she loves to find her own meanings in words and loves deep and meaningful conversations. A good book and comfortable surrounding is all she needs.
Editor: Dana Gornall
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