Manifesting Our Dreams instead of Our Nightmares.

What did this lead to? Well, I became a shaking, mumbling mess in most social interactions and meetings.

I couldn’t take a test if my life depended on it without having panic attacks. In fact my parents were medically advised to remove me from high school in grade 10, due to anxiety, depression and a long list of mental health issues.

The experiences compounded over time as I added more fuel to the self hate fire.

I continued battling bouts of serious eating disorders, depression and self harm. I also gravitated towards abusive and unbalanced relationships.

Now, when I say I was happy to accept all these—let’s say gifts—from people, this may not sound quite right to you.

That’s usually a good indication that there is some truth to what is being put forth. Whatever upsets the balance, I’ve learned, must be brought within.

Let’s explore this together.

There is a chain of realizations and understanding you must come to in order to heal and release yourself of all the hurt that you have held in, taken in and projected.

The step (and realization I speak of here) is that our thoughts are what become our realities. My thoughts were definitely my reality, however my reality consisted of a very limited, outward perspective.

It only included one side of things—the outside, side of things.

I realized that it was not because of any of these people I hated, held anger and resentment towards, and harboured pain and hurt within myself.

I hated myself, was angry and resentful of myself. I was the main person hurting myself and causing myself emotional pain.

I hated myself all the more when I saw this answer before me. For weeks I fell apart and continued on an emotional roller coaster ride. Only this one was a ride between the inner belief of my true self, and my ego, instead of between my ego, and the outside world.

I sat of the edge of hope and despair, staring into the black abyss, contemplating whether to jump.

I realized from this place that it was even more painful to ride this internal ride and fight this fight, than it was to battle and fight with other people.

I was “happy” to accept these things from people and experiences, and blame them for my unhappiness because It was less painful than realizing I was responsible for my own unhappiness.

It was easier to claim that responsibility lay with things, people and experiences that were beyond my control, than to put effort into addressing and healing the broken, shattered and suffering parts of my spirit and soul.

From the edge, with the understanding that there was no going back, I decided to jump into the abyss.

I understand now that the fall is actually the flight.

As I fall, I feel the layers of my lost and shattered self, and all her hurts, being stripped away. And I feel my wings working to break free of their binds. Deep within I know that at the perfect moment, my wings will burst into being, and I will catch a riptide of an airstream that will carry me through the cosmos for all eternity.

Keeping this in mind along with the words of Lawrence Peter who said, “If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll end up someplace else.”

I am now focusing on building in my mind someplace soft to land, while I embrace and enjoy every second of the journey.

It is a process and a journey. Some days are definitely better than others.

I’m working on learning to love, accept and embrace myself and my infinite power. I am trying to dream my biggest dreams, without fear, and speak to myself with the utmost respect and kindness.

I am the creator of my own journey after all.

Amazing and bountiful gifts of love, people, new experiences, new understanding and new growth have entered my life in the last year as I have slowly worked through the sometimes painful process of changing myself in order to change my world.

Theses miracles and gifts have all made every second of this process absolutely worth it, pain and all.

I hope my own experiences and internal dialogue can help you gauge whether you yourself are on the right track with your own thoughts, so you may adjust accordingly if you feel changes are in order.

We are all beautiful, intelligent, powerful and unique beings and we must be careful that we are treating ourselves as such. We set our price tags, and if we are unaware of our worth, our prices have been set far too low.

We all need to raise our vibrational price tags so we can start existing in the state we wish for and revere today.

It’s really the only way; you must always watch what you think and say.