woman clouds

 

By Jennifer Hillman

 

She waited for a reply, an answer and direction to go in for the moment.

She was used to someone else telling her how to feel. She was numb from all the words thrown at her, like electric shocks penetrating every cell in her brain. Brainwashing is like that at times. The repeated whipping of words can beat a person down to submission.

Emotions can’t continue without a fight for them and she had reached a point where she just didn’t care. She couldn’t anymore; it hurt way too much to care. She had little passion left for her life and the numbness was rich with relief from the depression darkening her mind and the feeling that she could not do anything right.

It started as a child.

She didn’t realize what was really going on with her family. She seemed to be like Cinderella, doing as they wished and acting as they wished her to be.

Then she began to have dreams of herself being tied down and told what to do, what to think, how to feel. If she did anything else, it seemed like a sharp bolt of electricity went through her. If she smiled or laughed, the quick bolt came. Soon the numbness followed the strikes upon her and with it the understanding that her emotions were passive.

There come moments of anger and fits of rage in private moments, yet overall; she had lost her spirit and passion through the verbal abuse she had endured over the years.

She looked in the mirror and truly saw what she had become: an overweight, depressed little girl sitting in the corner, waiting for permission to live. She didn’t like what she saw in the mirror and began taking back her life from her husband (who she didn’t love) and her family.

She started with a simple two letter word, NO.

After saying no for the first time, refusing to follow their plan for her, her passion and self-love began to come out of the ashes. Listening to music seemed to support her as if some secret invisible guardian was speaking to her through the music. She started meditating and reading self-help books. She started doing exercise classes and yoga, watching her diet.

At first she thought she was doing it for her husband as he had started distancing himself from her.

In truth, she came to realize she was doing this for herself and feeling more empowered by each action she took. Her inner child came out to play, smiling and laughing again. Her heart was open wide as she asked for the divorce and left the controlling life she had grown up with behind her.

Magically manifestation began happening and people who had known her all her life, realized that they really didn’t know her at all. Some left yes, but some supported her through her journey into her wholeness. She found it easier to remain true to herself as she traveled her journey with the right people in her life, listening to that inner child’s ideas and taking actions which added more happiness, peace and joy in her life.

She is empowering not only herself, but the people who entered her life with her smile. 

 

Jennifer HillmanJennifer Hillman is a writer, spiritual teacher/speaker as well and a certified Intuitive Life Coach, Reiki Master. She embraces the experience of life through the simple understanding this is a human experience. As such as embracing the human truth of life, being open to possibilities and writing about the process of reflecting the essences of living the life you can love. She has two published books of poetry, Embracing Souls: Poetry of the Dance and Words of the Heart. She has contributed on Rebelle Society, Huffington Post, Women Spiritual Poetry and more. Her website is JenniferHillman.com.

 

Photo: (source)

Editor: Dana Gornall

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The Tattooed Buddha

The Tattooed Buddha was founded by Buddhist author Ty Phillips and Dana Gornall. What started out as a showcase for Ty's writing, quickly turned into collaboration with creative writer, Dana Gornall and the home for sharing the voices of friends and colleagues in the writing community. The Tattooed Buddha strives to be a noncompetitive, open space for the author’s authentic voice. So while not necessarily Buddhist, we are offering a dialogue that is aware and awake to the reality of our present day to day, tackling issues of community, environment, and compassionate living.

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